


Here We Are in the Future and it’s TRAUMATIC

by TooAwkwardToFunction



Category: Steven Universe - Fandom, Steven Universe: Future, Steven Universe: The Movie (mentioned)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Finally, Gen, He also has a therapist, He has trouble with all the touchy feely stuff too, I’m taking so much advantage of this, PTSD (c-ptsd), Plus the ship (Connie/Steven), Steeb needs a hug but also respect his boundaries, Steven and Younger Steven, Steven is a grown boio, Steven is bi confirmed????, Steven is depressed, Takes place after SUF, it finally happened
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:27:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 37,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23366179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooAwkwardToFunction/pseuds/TooAwkwardToFunction
Summary: Steven was just getting a hang of his life outside of Beach City. He had some place to call home, he had a steady career path ahead of him, and his relationship with Connie was going great! Of course, nothing was perfect, but Steven’s happy with how far he’s come. So how will he react when all of a sudden he’s confronting his 13 year old self?
Relationships: Ruby/Sapphire, Sadie/Shep, Steven/Connie
Comments: 343
Kudos: 514





	1. Back to Beach City (ready to destroy the place, just like old times)

**Author's Note:**

> Steven Universe did it. They did what my therapist and friends could not. It made me sob for three hours last night over Future’s finale. I wanted to write a sort of reflection piece on Steven and his younger goofball self for a while, but it didn’t feel right with Future still going. Now that’s it’s over, I have absolutely nothing to stop me!! Ehehehehe!!! Steven Universe has been such an important part of my life since 2013, so here’s to the Future, and here’s to always being a part of the family!! Comment if you want to, cry with me friends, c r y!!! (Tumblr? @thatonedudeinthecorner)

Steven had finally settled down from traveling all 39 states, making a schedule and buying a house (making sure it had plenty of room for Lion).

While the decision was huge for him, he downplayed it on numerous occasions, still trying to adapt to the new space and feel like its _home_.  
  


It wasn’t directly on the ocean, it wasn’t big or intricately built. It didn’t even have a warp pad in the middle of it, but he was determined.

Connie helped him rearrange all of his belongings, as well as shop for furniture. 

He still didn’t have any formal schooling, but his therapist helped lay out possibilities for future careers (he did have an especially lengthy resume, with how he saved the galaxy and ran an entire school, which had to count for _something_ ).

Despite all of the countless ideas the two of them bounced off of each other, Steven insisted he needed time in his future for his music, it was just what Universe’s did. 

Steven was recovering. He wasn’t perfect, but he never was. His pink episodes were rarer than ever, and Steven was starting to trust himself again, even if he knew it would never be the same. 

Of course, right when everything started to look decent enough, something had to interrupt. 

Two months after the original _move_ , Steven was visiting the Maheswaran’s with Connie, for winter break. 

Despite their hesitancy towards Steven and his lifestyle at the beginning of his friendship with Connie, once they started a more serious relationship her parents shared a sort of fondness towards him.

Dr. Maheswaran was actually the one to recommend his current therapist, and she assured Steven that she was always ready to listen if he had any issues he couldn’t talk to anyone else about. He appreciated the offer and held a special place in his heart for Connie’s mother, one that filled in the gap that had been missing his entire life.

Who knew how important stable maternal relationships were in someone’s life? Steven certainly didn’t.

Connie’s dad even stopped hating him, although he had to tell Steven on numerous occasions that he didn’t _hate_ him, he was just weary of how his danger prone life could affect Connie.

Steven forgave him anyway, and now they shared a mutual respect for one another. Well, more on Steven’s side (Mr. Maheswaran couldn’t help but treat Steven more like a son, scolding him for reckless behavior whenever he went on a wild recounting of some space adventure). 

Steven had driven the Dondai out from the West coast back to the East coast, the several day long journey with Lion in the backseat still fresh in his mind. He picked up Connie from college on Friday, and they ventured back to Beach City.

Steven's expedition was kept a secret from his father and the gems, wanting to surprise them after not seeing the boy for two years.

Of course they’d called and texted quite often, but Steven had never had the time before now to actually visit in person. He was ecstatic, finally being able to surprise the gems for once (if Garnet hadn’t told on him).

He was helping Dr. Maheswaran set the table for dinner when his phone started buzzing from his pocket.

He hesitated for a moment, considering ignoring the call, before his anxiety won out.

He placed his stack of plates on the table, getting a curious look from Connie’s mom as he dug in his pocket for his phone.

He checked the caller ID, seeing that it was his dad, before glancing at Dr. Maheswaran quickly. 

“Uh, do you mind if I…?” He looked helpless for a moment as he looked between his phone and her face. 

She rolled her eyes at him, continuing to put silverware down. “These plates aren’t going anywhere. Go ahead, you don’t need to ask permission,” 

“Thank you,” He gave her a quick sheepish smile before he ducked into the living room, pulling the phone to his ear as he answered. “What’s up, Dad? You usually don’t call this late, something wrong?” He tried to keep his tone casual, ignoring as his palms became sweaty with the very thought of something bad happening to his father. 

“Ah, hey Schtu-ball,” He heard his dad struggle for words in an uncomfortable pause, only furthering Steven’s worry. “Uh, nothings _wrong_ , well, it’s nothing life threatening,” 

Steven resisted the urge to laugh. “What is it, Dad?”

“I think you’d better get over here...can you take Lion?”

His father didn’t know he was close to Beach City, Steven mused to himself, so he would be asking Steven to travel across the country to get there.

His blood ran cold, and Steven checked over his shoulder, catching Connie’s gaze on him from the dining room. He shrugged, turning back to his phone. 

  
  


“I’ll be right there...is anyone hurt?” 

“No,” He let out a breath of relief, nodding to himself quickly. “Just...you need to see this for yourself,” There was a crash on the other end of the phone, and Steven jumped. 

“Dad!” 

“I’m fine, I’m fine. Just...hurry, son!” 

“I’m on my way,” He hung up, rushing back through the doorway. All three Maheswaran’s looked at Steven apprehensively, taking note of his frantic movements. 

“Steven?” Connie moved around a chair, approaching him quickly and taking his hand. “What’s wrong?” 

“Somethings going on at my Dad’s place,” He managed, giving her fingers a reassuring squeeze. “Ah, I feel so bad for ditching but—”

“You have to go,” Mr. Maheswaran gave him a dry smile, then looked at his wife. “Go ahead, Steven, don’t worry about it,” 

“Thank you,” He turned back to Connie giving her a quick peck on the lips. “I don’t know if I’ll be back…”

“I’ll take the Dondai over after dinner, don’t worry about us,” She let go of his hands, giving him a knowing look. “Go,”

“I love you,” He said quietly, then smiled shyly at her parents. “Thank you,” 

“Bye, Steven,” Her parents chorused in unison, and he waved, rushing out the door.

He spotted Lion quickly, who was sprawled on the lawn, belly facing the darkening sky. When they got to the house early in the day, the neighborhood kids were overjoyed that Lion was back, giving him all the love and affection he could’ve asked for. The kids had cleared out, but Lion was napping contently after numerous ear scratches. 

“Lion!” Steven called, watching as the big feline cracked an eye open at him lazily. “Buddy, I know you’re napping but I have to go to Beach City!” 

The pink cat yawned at him, closing his eyes and stretching. 

“C’mon Lion! This is important!” Lion gave him his classic look of denial, refusing to get up. Steven sighed, rubbing his nose for a second. “I’ll get you a Lion Licker,”

And he was up, stretching deeply before bowing so Steven could climb on. “It’s always bribery with you,” Steven mumbled as he hopped on, hooking his fingers into the pink fluffy mane.

Lion roared in response, taking a leaping start into the street. 

Wind rushed in Steven’s ears as Lion sprinted, and he was reminded of how much he missed the exhilaration of riding him.

It wasn’t the same back at his apartment, Lion would usually go off on his own, and occasionally Steven would take him on walks (getting only a few strange looks from joggers), but in a city setting Steven hadn’t really been able to use Lion as transport anymore, at least not high speed.

It brought Steven back to his earlier adventures, and for once it didn’t leave any aftermath of trauma ringing in his ears. 

The boardwalk came into view, and Steven caught sight of Peedee leaving the fry stand. 

“Watch out!!” He called as Lion barrelled forward, and the teen stepped back quickly, watching with mild surprise as Steven waved from a few feet away, quickly passing him. 

“Hey Steven!” He called, but he was already gone. He got similar greetings from gems and people alike. Mr. Smiley jumped back in shock as they ran by. 

“Stevens back!” Someone shouted, and almost everyone came out of their shops at once, watching him blow by.

He spotted Jenny and Sour Cream sitting outside the Big Donut, Buck just leaving the store. They must’ve just gotten back from college too. 

“Hi guys, bye guys!” He yelled as he passed, and Buck dropped the bag of food in surprise. 

“Where you off to, Steven?” Jenny called, but he was already out of earshot, nearing the beach house.

Lion cleared the steps in one swift movement, forcing Steven to duck further into his fur to stay on his back. 

Lion had as much manner as usual, and rammed his head into the door, forcing Steven forward a little.

He slid off quickly, opening the door and bursting into his old home. 

“Dad, I’m here! I came as soon as I could!! What’s wrong, I heard a crash and then—what?”

His words caught in his throat, staring at his dad and the gems sitting on the couch.

Their presence wasn’t what surprised him, but it was the bright eyed stare he received to his own disbelief.

Curly black hair, a red shirt with a star in the middle, and the same face he saw in the mirror...but _younger_. 

A long silence stretched across all of them, his dad standing up as if to approach him, but he just stood. 

“Uh, Steven, meet,” His dad turned to him, his face pulled into a thin smile. “Steven,”

_Oh no._


	2. Why are you apologizing?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven tries to figure out how to act around...himself, desperately keeping his cool as he’s suddenly reintroduced into his old life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went on tumblr for too long and got sad so I had to write chapter 2!! I really need Steven to look himself in the eye and say “don’t blame yourself, that’s going to wreck you”. I was also super tempted to add in that Steven told Garnet snitches get stitches whenever she uses her future vision, but I ended up scraping that plot line so...to what could have been *raises a juice box*. Comment if you wanna, they always make me laugh!! (Tumblr? @thatonedudeinthecorner) Until next time :)

Of course, Steven wanted to process what he was looking at.

He wanted to stand his ground and approach the gems, and maybe himself (oh jeez it was still messing with his head) and demand an explanation.

He wanted to greet his family and tell them everything is going to be fine, that they’ll just work everything out together, just like always. 

But Steven wasn’t who he used to be, and his first reaction was to turn around and walk straight back out the door. 

Two reasons this didn’t work.

The first was that Steven would have stopped himself. He turned and was going to take a step but his brain mentally smacked him, yelling that he had to face his problems, that running away didn’t solve anything.

The second reason was that Lion stood directly behind Steven, and when he turned around he walked directly into the giant feline. 

“Steven!!!” His dad and the gems called out, taking a few steps forward as he sprawled to the ground, clutching his nose.

Man, Lion’s mane might be fluffy but walking directly into his nose was not the same experience.

He held up a hand to wave them off, sitting up as he groaned. “I’m good, I’m fine, I’m—”

He locked eyes with his younger self, who was peering over Greg’s shoulder curiously, his eyes wide, stars practically in them. “Hi,” He managed, swallowing thickly. 

“H-hi,” Younger him jumped a little, surprised at being directly addressed. Steven stood up slowly, letting Lion press his face to his back, nudging him forward. 

The gems watched Steven with pure fascination, watching as he never broke eye contact with his younger self, cautiously approaching him.

His flip flops made quiet squeaks as he made his way across the hardwood, standing in front of himself. 

“You’re me,” Younger Steven said, very quietly as Steven stood in front of him.

The only barrier between the two was the coffee table, and even then that didn’t feel like enough.

Steven was suffocating, drowning in his own gaze, spluttering to find something, some normalcy to hold onto. It’d been years since he had to deal with anything magical, besides checking in with the gems who came to Earth.

But that couldn’t possibly amount to how Steven was feeling now. It was suddenly too much too soon, and he had the urge to run again.

He stood his ground, though, gripping the bottom of his shirt with both hands. “I guess I am,” He whispered back, losing every sentence on the tip of his tongue as soon as he spoke. 

“This is a lot different than that time I got... _we_ got that time-thingy,” His past self admitted, mirroring his nervous habit of playing with his shirt. 

“Huh, I guess that means we won’t be starting a band together,” He smiled easily this time, stepping around the coffee table so he could sit besides himself.

It was just him. What did he have to fear? He’d already dealt with being terrified of himself, how was this any different? 

“I mean, I did say _that_ ,” They grinned at each other, and Steven risked a glance at the gems, almost forgetting that they were witnessing all of this.

Amethyst was giving him an apprehensive look, her stance letting Steven know that she wanted more than _anything_ to hug him.

Pearl was clasping her hands over her mouth with a similar conflict in her eyes, and Garnet remained impassive.

Steven looked past her facade, though, feeling the waves of uncertainty roll off of her.

His dad didn’t try as hard to contain his longing, rushing over to Steven as soon as he sat down.

“It’s so good to see you,” Steven was suddenly lurched to the side, bumping into his younger self as his dad bear hugged him.

He’d been getting better at accepting physical affection lately, but that was with Connie and his city friends. The sudden assault of warmth from his dad left Steven reeling.

“Yeah, yeah it’s good to be back,” He patted his dad lightly, turning to younger Steven as soon as his dad pulled away. “Sorry,” He said, cheeks flushing a bit as he realized how close he’d been pushed. 

“Why?” He blinked down at himself, letting the innocent question sink in for a moment. 

“I…” He looked away quickly, letting his dad grab his hands. 

“Let me get a good look at ya,” His dad brought him to his feet, twirling him around with a hand.

Steven giggled, knowing he hadn’t changed much from the last time they’d seen each other. Maybe he’d grown a few inches, but he was still considered ‘short’.

“You’ll outgrow me soon, bud, stop it!”

Steven laughed quietly, coming to a stop as he leaned lightly on his dad, trying to get the room to stop spinning. “I don’t think I’m going to get _that_ tall,” He let go of Greg, stuffing his hands into his pockets shyly. “I don’t think 18 year olds really _grow_ any more,” 

“Nonsense, Schtu-Ball, you’re sproutin’ like a tree,” He looked back to the gems, grinning as he gestured towards Steven. “Look at him, a tree I say!!” 

Steven looked at younger Steven with a sort of embarrassed blush, only to be met with a pure awestruck expression.

“You’re _18_?” He said incredulously, eyes shining, completely baffled. 

Garnet stepped forward at last, resisting the urge to tackle Steven with her own hug. “I think we should let these two talk,” She grabbed Pearl and Amethyst by the shoulders, nodding at Steven once before they wandered outside.

Greg caught onto the message a few seconds later, rubbing his head sheepishly. 

“I’ll just...be upstairs,” 

“Wait but what am I—” His dad and the gems were already gone, and he trailed off, glancing back to his younger self, looking especially small, curled in on himself on the couch. “Supposed to do…” He finished, taking his hands out of his pockets slowly. “I...don’t know what to say,” He admitted, keeping the distance between them.

“You’re mad,” The other him said slowly, lifting his eyes quickly, before staring at his shoes again. 

“What?” He took a step forward before hesitating, waiting for his younger self to speak. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m here or how I got here, but I obviously interrupted your life, forcing you to come all the way out here. I don’t know how to solve this and I don’t want to waste your time!” Steven froze in surprise, watching the tears streaming down his own face. 

“No,” He took another step forward, then rushed back to the couch, sitting closer to himself this time. “No that’s not it at all! Hey, don’t blame yourself. And don’t say you aren’t, I’m you, remember?” 

“Sorry,” Younger Steven sniffled out, and he shook his head. 

“That’s no good either,” He pressed his hands into his thighs for a moment, then reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m not mad. I’m...confused, sure. A little hesitant even. I’m not...a lot has happened between your life and mine, and I don’t know how to handle...myself. Oh that doesn’t make any sense and that probably makes you worry even more,” He immediately retracted his hand, smacking the side of his head. 

A smaller hand rested on his knee, and Steven looked up, a sudden urge to bawl rising in his chest as he looked Younger Steven in the eyes.

“I understand. I’m really confused too,” He waited patiently as the other Steven sniffled loudly, and Steven balled his jacket sleeve into his hand, wiping away at the tears still falling down Younger Steven’s face. “Thank you,” 

“Let it out, trust me,” He blinked and a few tears of his own slid down his cheeks. “Holding your feelings in doesn’t do us any good,” 

“We do that a lot, though,” Steven said quietly, startling older Steven. 

“I’m working on it,” He said, at last, letting all of his hesitance go as he hugged himself. 

“I have a question,” Steven hummed in response, waiting for the other Steven to ask. “Do we ever learn to control our powers?”

Steven froze at that, letting a wave of emotion crash into him, memories of struggle re-emerging in his head. His words caught in his throat, and he had to take a minute to form a sentence. 

“We do...but then we discover a lot more to ourselves that’s...not so easy to handle. But we work through that, too,” He pressed his chin on top of Younger Steven’s head, smiling a little to himself. “Wanna see?” 

He felt an immediate response, his younger self’s body pushing back from him energetically.

He had stars in his eyes again, sparkling through his tear clouded eyes. “Absolutely!!” 

He could handle this. 


	3. Not the weirdest thing that’s happened in this living room, but okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven tries to explain some of the mental complications that come with his current powers, and Connie makes well on her promise to drive over after dinner.  
> Aka Connie walks in on Steven talking to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to switch POV up because my ADHD brain was like "y'know what would be really funny?" Thus this entire chapter. The next chapter is going to be very Steven heavy, with him basically being "???" the whole time but also vaguely frightened. Hopefully, I won't procrastinate that, but I've already started it so maybe I'll get a 3 AM motivation boost!! Comment if you wanna, I love reading them, they make me :). (Tumblr? @thatonedudeinthecorner). Bye-bye!!

Connie parked the Dondai quickly, not even waiting for the car to stop sliding on the sand before she was leaping out, grabbing her sword and the car keys. 

Dinner wasn’t anything special, her parents knew she wasn’t going to eat much with whatever trouble Steven was a part of running through her mind. They also knew she hadn’t eaten anything since brunch that day, so they forced her to eat at least one serving before she was off, following her boyfriend. 

The lights were on in the living room, and she caught sight of Greg on the deck outside of his room, leaning against the railing. He shook his head once, motioning for her to join him.

She glanced at the door to the living room hesitantly before sighing, digging her sword into the sand before taking the steps three at a time to meet him. 

“What’s going on in there?” She ignored the flash of pink light that was gone as soon as it showed up, followed by a muffled squeal of excitement. “Is Steven…”

“I think we need to give Steven some space at the moment,” Greg gave her a long sideways look, then returned to stare at the ocean. 

She sighed, moving to rest her elbows next to his. “How has touring with Sadie and Shep been? I didn’t see you last time I came back for a visit,” He hummed in response, glancing over his shoulder briefly to look at the living room. 

“Really nostalgic, but in a better way. When I was touring as a kid, I didn’t really get the _good_ experience, y’ know?” Connie nodded, although she really had no idea about touring around the world.

She understood that when Mr. Universe was first on tour, he’d been with someone named Marty (always said with a scathing look afterward from Steven) who took advantage of his naiveness and was overall a pretty crappy dude.

There was another loud bang from inside that drew her train of thought to a halt. She turned, watching as a familiar pink shield came bouncing on the screen, disappearing almost immediately afterward. 

“Sorry!” Steven’s familiar voice chimed from within, followed by two sets of giggles. 

“Okay, sorry to cut the small talk, but what the _hell_ is going on down there?” Connie whirled on Greg, who rubbed his bald head timidly. 

“That’s really a question for the gems...I’m not entirely sure I understand what’s happening myself,” He laughed awkwardly, ignoring Connie’s bewildered stare by staring towards the door into his room. 

“Mr. Universe, that doesn’t help me at all,” 

“Yeah, I know, I think…” He craned his neck past her, furrowing his brows at the living room. “I think I can disobey the gems for a little while and let you see for yourself,” 

Connie didn’t exactly understand what he meant by ‘disobeying the gems’, but she didn’t see them anywhere, so she nodded solemnly at him and turned towards the stairs.

Sliding down the railing, she passed a napping Lion quickly (he probably wouldn’t mind if she didn’t stop to pet him this once). She was a second away from the door, but she paused, her hand brushing the handle.

She saw Steven, perfectly safe, sitting cross-legged next to the coffee table, his voice low and gentle. She could just make out what he was saying. 

“The main thing about my...our powers,” He explained carefully, and Connie squinted at who he was talking to. A familiar figure was sitting across from Steven, nodding enthusiastically to what he was saying.

She did a double-take, taking in a shorter, _younger_ Steven watching intently as _her_ Steven placed a hand on his stomach in an almost protective gesture (a mannerism she was familiar with).

“Everything is tied to our emotions. Summoning the shield is...complicated, at least it used to be. It has to envoke a...feeling, a certain feeling that once we find it’s easy to control. The way I’ve been using shields in the past years has been...different. Like,” He held out a hand, a small, glowing square of diamonds appeared in front of it, vanishing as soon as he put his hand down. 

“Woooah, that’s...geometrical!!” The other Steven exclaimed, staring at his clones hand in fascination. 

“Hah, yeah. I can still summon the shield but its almost a reflex...like our bubble!!” He clasped his hands nervously in his lap, watching as a younger version of himself absorbed the information. “I think that has to do with feeling like I need to protect _me_ ...or sort of give me space. It’s like how we have to be super happy to float, but if we’re, uh, _sad_ , we get heavier,” 

“We can float?!!??” 

“Oh jeez, how old did you say you were? What was the last corrupted gem you fought?” Connie had let her shock sink in for long enough, and she pushed passed it, swinging the door open quickly. 

“Steven!” She shouted, watching as both of them jumped, _her_ Steven standing up at the sound of her voice. 

“Connie,” He grinned, rushing forward and into her embrace. “Oh, I completely forgot to text you or-or call once I got here. I was,” He broke away, but she kept his hands in hers, watching as he glanced at the Steven looking at them with wide eyes from the floor. “Uh, _busy_ ,” 

“Hi,” The same voice that just spoke, but higher, called, filled with adolescence. Connie blinked at him, flitting her gaze between the Steven in front of her and the younger one by the coffee table. 

“Hi...Steven?” He waved, and _her_ Steven squeezed her hands in reassurance. 

“I like your hair,” He said after a moment, and she could only stare at him dumbly for a moment. 

“Pretty wild, right?” She turned her gaze back to her boyfriend, gaze softening as she saw the same lost expression on his face. 

“More than _wild_ ,” Both of them laughed a little at that, and she was having trouble deciding which one to focus on. She opted for the one in front of her, his presence being the most familiar. “How is he...are you...what kind of gem thing…?”   
  


“That’s the thing. I have no idea, and neither does he,” The other Steven nodded, and Steven gave her a half-smile. “I’ve traveled in time before, so it’s possible, but this...this is completely different,” 

“It’s okay,” She murmured back, resisting the urge to press their foreheads together, very aware of the younger Steven watching them. Although he probably wouldn’t admit it, but Connie knew Steven well enough to tell that this was giving him anxiety (and probably a fresh wave of PTSD by seeing something--or someone--that would trigger all of those memories). “We’ll figure it out,” 

He squeezed her hands one last time before pulling away entirely, motioning for her to join him as he walked back towards the coffee table, sitting again. “I got distracted earlier, but I had an idea about how to get you home,” 

“How?” 

“Well, we both know that gem technology is capable of time travel,” Connie sat down between the two of them, giving the younger Steven a comforting smile. “I don’t really remember what the other objects did on that mission, but I’m thinking one of them might have similar effects as to the time thingy we destroyed,” 

“Oh, so maybe we could find another time thingy!!” Little Steven bounced from his seat excitedly, and older Steven nodded vigorously. 

“Exactly! And if not, we can always just ask...uh, well,” He winced at his own awkward wording, rephrasing immediately. “Now we have a lot more information available that could possibly lead us to another time travel thingy...or we could make one,” 

“Make one?” Steven waved his younger self off, lost in his own head. Connie bit her lip in pity, trying not to laugh at how easily Steven dissociated. 

“He means in the future we’re connected a lot more with gems from other planets,” He got stars in his eyes, gaping at Connie as she explained. “Thinking in logical terms, there’s bound to be similar, or possibly identical devices, and we have the technology that if there isn’t, we can probably talk to the gems that made it to begin with,” 

“That’s so cool,” He whispered, and Connie laughed easily, being assaulted with memories from when she was younger, adventuring with the exact same energetic Steven. 

“Steven…” Both of their attentions were drawn to present-day Steven, who had finally come out of his thinking. “I know you don’t know how you were sent here, but do you remember what happened while you were blasted to the future? Was it some sort of like...glow? Maybe its some sort of Pi--Rose Quartz thing,” 

Past Steven thought for a moment, placing a hand on his chin. “Well, I was just about to go on a mission, and as I was walking towards the warp I just...I dunno, I sorta _poofed_ ,” He made an exploding motion with his hands at the word. “It went really bright for a second, and then I fell and landed here,” He pointed to a spot near the kitchen table. “It was really sudden...but I don’t remember it being pink,” 

“Hmmm, maybe it’s another mental link type of thing…” Steven mused to himself. He stood up, glancing at where Steven had pointed, then approached. “So you were walking and you got to around here,” He stepped onto the floorboards where younger Steven had pointed that he’d fallen to. “And what?” He turned to face them again, still looking at the ground. “You just _poof_?” 

“Poof,” Past Steven made the motion again with his hands. 

“Poof,” Connie repeated, wracking her brain for any sort of similar occurrence that Steven had told her about. 

“Maybe it’s the place,” Steven started walking back towards them, slowly. “Like, when we figure out how to send you back, you have to be standing in the same place. Maybe we should like...mark it with an ‘x’ or something,” Younger Steven giggled a little, and present Steven smiled brightly, mid-step.

All of a sudden, Steven’s expression became panicked, and as soon as his foot hit the ground, his form was replaced with a blinding light, as if he was fusing, the same light that gems became when they reformed.

A second later, he was gone, not even leaving a sound behind. Connie stood up abruptly, rushing to the place he last was, meeting empty air. Younger Steven also jumped up, staring with a fearful expression at where Connie stood. 

“Steven? Oh stars, what just happened?” She turned to past Steven, both of their eyes wide at the event that just occurred. 

“He went _poof_ !” Steven cried, glancing around the room. A second later, he stomped a foot in frustration, his eyebrows pulled together. “It had _nothing_ to do with the place!!” 

If Connie wasn't too busy freaking out, she would have laughed.

Everything just kept getting more complicated. 


	4. Peeeeearl, sand got in my mouth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven face plants into the ground after time traveling, being forced immediately into a gem fight. The only thing that’s keeping him from freaking out is the constant distraction that oh man, everything is completely different, isn’t it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super fast update!! Wow, I just needed to get the first step out of the way before next chapter, where a looot of stuff happens. I have tons of ideas for it, but I was super motivated to write this one because...c’mon, it’s time travel and Steven, what could go wrong? (Hah, just wait). Comment if you guys want to, I love reading them and don’t be afraid to ask questions or go off I guess (but gently)! (Tumblr? @thatonedudeinthecorner) Okay, until next chapter!! Adios!

Steven wasn’t as lucky as his past self, and ended up landing outside.   


He crashed from a few feet in the air, stumbling to his stomach, face hitting the sand. 

After a moment of Steven lying face down, he realized what had just happened and shot up, spitting sand from his mouth. He sat on his butt, covering his eyes with a hand, the sun surprising him for a moment. 

If what had happened to the other Steven happened to him, then Steven had time traveled. 

He tried to gain his bearings, looking around frantically for a moment. He was on the beach, somewhere far enough out that he couldn’t see the beach house, but still close enough that he couldn’t see the board walk yet. He scrambled to his feet, gazing down the way that would lead him towards the house. 

A knot was forming in his stomach, worry crawling it’s way up his throat and leaving a bitter taste in the back of his tongue.

How was he going to explain this to the gems? 

How were the gems going to take it that all of a sudden future Steven is here and he doesn’t know how to get home? 

Would they be mad at him? What if they tried to fight him? 

What if they couldn’t find a way to send him back and he just had to live out the rest of his days in the past? 

Why was the ground shaking? 

Wait. The ground was shaking. 

His panic was momentarily forgotten as he ran towards the disturbance, looking back and forth between the ocean and the rock wall in case a corrupted gem burst out of either side of him. 

(Oh jeez, he was going to have to deal with corrupted gems again, wasn’t he?) 

Luckily, the situation wasn’t as complex as he was making it out to be, and after sprinting for a minute or so, he came across the commotion. 

Fortunately, the past crystal gems were already there, battling it out with some sort of beast-like bright orange gem. 

Unfortunately, the past crystal gems were already there, and Steven still had no idea how he was going to interact with them. 

He tried to ignore all of that, sliding to a stop as he surveyed the fight. 

Pearl has just been pushed back by one of the claws, her sword deflecting off of it uselessly. 

Amethyst’s whip had snapped as the gem reared back, roaring angrily because she’d tried to tie it down. 

Garnet was front and center, her glasses shielding her impassive expression as she took a few steps back as they all regrouped. 

Steven saw an opening for the corrupted gem, where it could potentially stomp on Garnet in her retreat, compelling Steven into action. 

“Watch out!” He shouted, causing all four of them (the corrupted gem included) to wheel around at his sudden outburst. 

He ignored the gawking expressions of Pearl and Amethyst, their eyes trailing his figure in surprise, and Pearl realized immediately that this was not the Steven she knew (he was far too tall...and the jacket was new). 

With a burst of speed he slid underneath a surprised Garnet, throwing a hand up as a giant shield formed around it, immediately coming in contact with the corrupted gem, who pounded against it but to no avail. 

“Steven!” Pearl broke out of her shock, running under the cover of his shield. 

“Dude!” Amethyst greeted, leaving her broken whip to disappear, jogging closer as Garnet bent down and picked him up, his arm still firmly outstretched. 

“Hey!” He kicked a little, trying not to lose focus on his shield, but also  _ very _ offended that Garnet would just grab him. She set him down calmly, a frown on her features as she examined his unfamiliar form. 

“Nice shield—woah what did I miss?” Amethyst slowed her approach, furrowing her brows at Steven, her mouth still slightly open. 

“Uhhhhh,” Steven glanced back at Garnet quickly, who had replaced her analytical scowl with an impassive look (he could practically  _ hear _ the gears turning in her head despite the facade), then to Pearl, who was more open about her scrutiny. “Long story short, I’m from the future, I don’t know how I got here, and I recommend you all take cover because this shield is about to  _ drop _ ,” 

It took them all a moment to process his words, but they all simultaneously stepped back, keeping battle stances as Steven lowered his arm, the shield slowly dissolving. 

He wasted no time once the gem had broken through, jumping quickly as to avoid the giant roar (the other gems too surprised at his sudden display of powers to do the same, being blown back a few feet). He flipped easily off of it’s head, summoning a smaller shield to land on, using it as a sort of sled going down the monster’s back. 

“Steven!” Garnet called, her gauntlets raised as he landed on the sand behind the gem. He sent a thumbs up in reply, taking a running start before baseball diving underneath the corrupted gems belly, creating a spiky bubble around his fist. 

The three gems cried out as he disappeared again, but it all died down quickly as they watched the gem fly upwards, almost frozen in shock, then explode with a giant cloud of smoke. 

Steven stood up once the air had cleared, the gem in his free hand as he dropped the bubble around the other one. The use of his powers came easy enough, albeit rusty, but he was glad they still worked at all. He ignored the itching at the back of his brain, a buried fear trying to claw its way back into his thoughts. 

He placed a hand over his eyes to shield excess sand from flying into them, and once he’d lowered it, the gems were in front of him. He almost jumped back in surprise, his shoulders tensing as Pearl rushed up to him. 

“You had us so worried! You can’t just attack a corrupted gem like that, what if you got hurt? Don’t try and tell me some future excuses, that was reckless and you know it,” She brushes her hands over his cheeks, tilting his head side to side as if looking for some invisible injury. 

Amethyst also approached, either not noticing or ignoring his discomfort as she patted his back repeatedly. “Nice going Stee-man, that was awesome!! Since when can you jump so high? And two shields? You’re almost making me worry you’ve outgrown me—”

“Enough,” They all turned to Garnet, Steven raising an eyebrow at her through his squished face. “Can’t you see how uncomfortable he is? We must give this future Steven some space,” She gently took the gem out of his hand, making sure to limit physical contact as she did so. 

As she bubbled it, she gave him a nod of reassurance, Steven’s face heating up at the direct address. 

Pearl seemed to realize her hands were still on his face, and she jumped back, clearing her throat as she held her hands behind her back. 

Amethyst also stopped her relentless patting, looking almost bashful as she retreated her hand. 

“Thanks,” Steven breathed, sticking his hands into his pockets as he avoided eye contact, mentally scolding himself for making the gems feel bad. 

“We have a lot to discuss,” Garnet added, tone firmer as she directed the two towards the house, a hand lingering over Steven’s head before hesitating. 

He smiled up at her, brushing his head against her hand in gratitude, walking under the touch as he followed Amethyst and Pearl towards the house. 

He caught his breath at the sight of it, the memories of his childhood resurfacing quickly, overwhelming his brain for a moment. 

He resisted a jaw drop, his feet stuck to the ground in front of the stairs. 

Pearl risked a worried glance over her shoulder, tapping a finger to her mouth as she watched him hesitate. 

Garnet stood besides him for a moment, her gaze flickering to the house before resting on his expression again. Before she could get the question out, Steven was already shaking himself out of his stupor, hopping up the stairs carefully. 

“We do have a lot to talk about,” He muttered at the top of the steps, turning to look at the ocean one last time before heading towards the door. “ _ Trust me _ ,” 


	5. Do you think he'll be mad if I use his toothbrush? I didn't bring mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven continues to overthink the situation and Connie is more focused on trying to get him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent like two hours contemplating if I wanted to write a future chapter or another one with Steven in the past. Never fear!! I already have one about the past in progress (I have many ideas, don't worry about it). I wanted more of Future Connie interacting with past Steven, and just that general dynamic because I thought it would be cute, and Connie would probably be a bit softer (for lack of a better word) than usual towards him and it only freaks out lil Steeb even more. Okay, comment if y'all wanna, I love reading them!! (Tumblr? @thatonedudeinthecorner, I made a meme about the first chapter recently, hit me up if you want). Until next chapter!!

Connie had calmed down considerably within the first ten minutes of Steven disappearing. 

Maybe it was a mix of her rational nature kicking in, or the fact that Steven continued to freak out for the both of them. He seemed to have an abundance of energy specifically reserved for panicking, something that Connie noticed hadn’t changed between the two Steven’s. 

This Steven, on the other hand, contradicted  _ her  _ Steven’s reserved personality (he had to work harder to express his emotions ever since...well) in the same aspect. He was practically bouncing off the walls, vocalizing his fear with a constant string of  _ what are we gonna do _ ’s. 

It was familiar in so many ways to Connie, but at the same time so foreign the sight made her brain hurt. It was as if she was trying to read a language she used to know, but had forgotten to study for years and years. 

She just had to find that part of her memory and focus on it again. If she could just remember…

“Steven!” She broke through his yelling, stopping him from going any further with a hand on his shoulder. He tried to push through it for a second, but then stopped, looking embarrassed at the action. “Steven, I know you’re worried, and I know everything’s confusing right now but…” He stared up at her with wide eyes, hanging off every word out of her mouth like it was his lifeline. She blushed under the attention, trying to unscramble her thoughts. “But for now I think we need to focus on you,” 

“We are focusing on me,” He insisted, his eyebrows pulled together. “We're focused on trying to get  _ me  _ back!” 

Connie sighed, trying to hide her smile. “Not that, silly,  _ you  _ you. I think the other Steven will be fine. I trust him, he’ll find his way back to me. But right now  _ you’re  _ here, and I’m pretty sure you’re exhausted. It’s the middle of the night,” She bit her lip, looking towards the door and at the pitch-black beyond it. “We can figure this out in the morning,” 

“You trust me a lot, huh,” She jumped a little, turning back to Steven, who seemed to be looking right through her, finding every single worry she had clouding her vision and making it disappear. It was so familiar, she almost forgot it wasn’t  _ her  _ Steven that she was looking at. He brought a hand to hers, placing it on top of her knuckles gently. “I want to listen to you and believe that everything will be okay, but I can’t,” 

“Steven, you’re tired,” 

“Maybe,” He agreed, ducking out of her grip quickly. “But I’m pumped up on some of that good crisis energy, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I tried,” She seriously doubted that, but it was hard to deny his enthusiasm towards disobeying her. “I can’t just sleep! What if he’s dropped in the middle of the ocean? What if...what if he goes even farther back than our lifetime!” His eyes went huge again, and he started pacing again. “What if he’s forced into a gem war? What if he’s lost and the gems aren’t around t help him and his powers don’t work for him right and he’s lonely and scared and what if he needs to--” 

“Do you have anything that’s on your mind?” She interrupted softly, moving a few steps to the couch before sitting. He blushed, avoiding her eyes for a second as his steps slowed. 

“No...I-I’m fine, I…” His voice broke off, and he looked over at Connie with a sort of nervous crease in his expression. She smiled at him, patting the place next to her with a hand. “We need to figure out how to get him back,” He said weakly, his hands pulling at his shirt desperately. 

“We will. But this couch is really comfortable and, oh woes is me,” She held a hand over her eyes dramatically, peaking through her fingertips to watch Steven’s reaction. “I’m all by myself with all this space for other people to sit,” She lowered her hand slightly, watching as he hesitated in place, some internal struggle flitting across his eyes.

“Well when you put it that way it sounds really sad,” He shuffled his way over, hopping up next to her, letting out a long exhale as he leaned back into the cushions. 

Connie turned slightly so she could look at him more comfortably. “You know you’re not alone here,” 

“I know,” He said, just as softly, covering his face with his hands. “But it so weird,” 

“It’s okay. Most things in Beach City are weird,” She paused, waiting to see if he would look at her. “I like weird. It’s more interesting,” 

“That’s true,” He splayed his fingers on his forehead, giving her a sideways glance. “You’re different,” He said after a moment. 

She raised an eyebrow, scooting closer so their knees touched. “Am I?”

“Mhm, it’s a good different,” He scooted closer to the edge of the cushions, looking at her face quickly before leaning into her side. She froze for a moment, before relaxing again, letting her arm fall against his back. “But still the same,” 

“Still the same,” She repeated, a lump forming in her throat unexpectedly. “We’ll figure this out,”

“Hmmm, yeah. But right now it’s all so overwhelming,” 

“That’s okay, too. You don’t have to adjust, we’ll get you home as soon as we can,” 

“What if we can’t find me?” 

“We will, don’t worry,” He hummed lightly in response, his eyes forward, staring at the kitchen table. 

“Tell me about it,” She tilted her head at him in confusion, and he continued to stare into the kitchen. “Tell me about now. I want to know why you decided to cut your hair, and what happened to the house...or who built it so much bigger. You don’t have to spoil anything. I just want to talk,” By the end of his sentence, his words were quieter, his voice slow. 

“Nothing about big events in the future,” She reminded him, more firmly. “We can just talk…” 

“Spoiler-free,” He joked, and she tried to find exactly what he was looking so intently at. 

She figured, after a few moments of staring, that it must be something only  _ he  _ could see. Something entirely to himself. “Who needs...spoilers...anyways,” 

“Hmmm,” She could tell he was going to fall asleep any second now, and she rested her head against the wall, her mind whirling with everything that’d happened. “Well, I wanted to cut my hair because…” 

She rambled on, the steady sound of her voice lulling Steven towards sleep even easier than music did. 

They would figure this out. 

Just...later. 


	6. I thought I'd always be in my mother's shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven tries to hold a conversation with the crystal gems from the past while simultaneously freaking out over being back in his childhood home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had a mental breakdown while making google translate repeat the baby shark song, so I decided to finish this chapter when I was done with that. It's kinda long but I needed to set up some stuff for the next chapter. I'm still deciding between switching between times each chapter, or maybe I'll break the cycle and do two in the past (I don't know yet so it's a mystery to us all). I was listening to the movie's soundtrack as I wrote so...you'll definitely see that. I'll probably go on Tumblr (@thatonedudeinacorner, I make memes) and get inspiration for chapter 7 at like 3, so that should be here fairly quickly. Okay, comment if you want to, comments fuel me with giggles!! Okay, until next time buds!!!

Steven was sat down at the counter, his feet dangling over the side as he stared out the windows.

He decided to ignore the worried glances Pearl kept throwing him from her place puttering around behind him.

He decided to ignore Amethyst’s multiple attempts at starting a conversation with him, all ending with her closing her mouth before any words could come out.

He decided to ignore the fact that Garnet left a few minutes ago, with no prompting or sign of where she was going or when she’d come back. 

He doesn’t remember why exactly he was told to sit on the counter, but it was giving him a foreboding sense of dread, one he’d associated very quickly with being at a hospital. As if he was put on display for everyone in the room to examine. 

_Stop it_ , he scolded himself, tearing his gaze away from the window to quickly glance around the house, _this is just sitting. Stop making it weird_. Right, he was just sitting on the counter. It was a normal, completely calm action that shouldn’t be giving him anxiety. 

_Deep breaths_ , a small part of his brain added, and he almost rolled his eyes sourly at himself. 

“I don’t remember this,” He found himself saying, his quiet voice breaking the two gems out of their nervous shifting.

He was looking at a picture hung up on one of the support beams next to the counter. It was of all three of the gems smiling at the camera in front of the temple, something he was sure he had somewhere in his new apartment but just couldn’t place exactly _where_.

It left a pang in his chest, how familiar everything was, even when he hadn’t been in this house for over four years. He didn’t realize how much he missed the tiny house until he was able to come back to it. He sort of lived in the moment after it was destroyed, never paying much attention to his attachment.

Being thrown back into the familiar space left him warm inside, even when a few of the details had slipped his mind. 

Pearl followed his line of view, analyzing his wistful expression quickly before smiling. “We took that a while before you moved in with us. You wanted to be near us even when you were spending most of your time with Greg. He suggested this...photography as a solution,” 

“I totally forgot about that, dude,” Amethyst piped up, jumping at the chance to finally speak. “You got so excited when we showed it to you, you wanted to hang it up when you moved in because you loved it so much,” 

“Did I?” Steven asked, smiling lightly, his gaze still glued on the picture frame. 

“Mhm, you got Greg to pull a nail in and climbed up on one of the stools,” Amethyst pulled one of the chairs back to emphasize her point, hopping on top of it in her excitement. 

“You insisted you would hang it yourself,” Pearl added, stepping a little closer to Steven with her words.

He blinked out of his daze, looking between the two, taking note of their hesitance to step into his personal space. It was nice that they were respecting his boundaries and all, but he knew it was making them uncomfortable. When he was a kid everything was always so touchy-feely with the gems.

To have had a weird reaction to them smothering him must’ve set off some sort of alarm within the gems, forcing them to distance themselves. The thought made his chest feel tight, and he tried to find some way to reassure them that he was _fine_. 

“I don’t remember that at all,” He laughed, nudging Amethyst's knee with his foot. It was a start. “I do remember the photo. I was sorting through all of my picture frames a while ago, deciding where to hang them up. I’m pretty sure I put that one up at some point,” 

“Were you redecorating the temple?” Pearl asked, her eyes lighting up at the prospect of a conversation. 

“Oh uh…” Oh jeez, how was he going to explain this to the gems? He waved a hand around a bit, almost dismissively. “The thing is, I uh, um,” He cleared his throat. “ _Isortamovedoutawhileago_ ,” 

“What?” Amethyst laughed a little at his hurried word jumble, leaning forward as he avoided their eyes. 

“I, uh, I actually moved out,” He flicked his gaze up quickly, taking in the way Pearl’s lips tightened for a second, Amethyst’s jaw dropping. “I’m a lot older now, and I wanted to explore the states and junk. Like dad did, and I sorta found my way to the other coast and...moved there,”

There was a long silence that stretched between them, with Amethyst continuing to gape at him like he grew a second head. 

“How old _are_ you?” Pearl ended up saying, albeit lamely, which contradicted the look in her eyes. 

He opened his mouth to answer, but Garnet took that moment as her cue to re-enter the temple through her room, the door sliding closed behind her.

She was wearing her impassive scowl again, but Steven could tell by the way that she was walking that something had happened in there.

What if she didn’t like him?

What if she needed a moment away from him because his presence was just too weird?

What if he upset her so much she fell apart? 

A thousand different thoughts on what he could’ve done wrong were flitting inside his head as she approached. She readjusted her sunglasses as she looked at him, light flashing across them for a moment. 

“I think it’d be best if we left the personal questions for later,” Steven swallowed dryly, giving Pearl a half-smile as he leaned back on his hands. “Right now we need to figure out what’s happened, and how to get our Steven’s back to their right time,” 

“Well, right now we know that I’m in the past, and the me from this time is in the future. Unless there’s a third Steven in there somewhere that we don’t know about,” He paused for a moment, giving the three gems a hesitant smile at his own little joke. “I thought for sure it had to be some sort of gem technology, like when we went on a mission to the sea shrine to find the glass of time,”

He was starting to remember the smaller details, piecing together his old memories bit by bit. It also helped that he could recall almost exactly how Pearl had explained the entire thing to him, about how they wouldn’t be able to go back for another hundred years.

The Pearl in front of him also seemed to remember the mission, a glint of pride in her eyes as she realized how closely Steven had been listening. “I had a few minutes to talk it over with younger Steven...your Steven...past me. Never mind. And he disagreed,” 

“What do you mean?” Pearl brought a hand to her mouth in a worried fashion, exchanging a glance with Garnet, who also seemed to be prompting him to continue. 

“Well, he said there was no magical device involved. He was walking towards the warp pad and then he went poof,” 

“Poof?” 

“Hah, that’s what I said! I thought it had to have something to do with gem time travel, but he could only remember the bright light and then he was gone,”

Steven sat forward, resting his elbows on his thighs as he clasped his hands together, piecing his theory by the second. “I also don’t remember there being any real trigger. It wasn’t the place, it wasn’t a gem object. I don’t think it was a new power. Well...that’s not completely out of the question. I thought maybe it had to do with the whole mind connection thing, but in the past, I’ve never gone as far as pulling someone out of their timeline,” 

“That would be an awesome power, though,” Amethyst butted in, lightening the mood as she nudged his foot back. 

“Totally,” He agreed quickly, still wrapped up in his thoughts. 

“Rose never had any sort of time-related power,” Garnet’s smooth voice cut in, and Steven looked up at her. “She was very secretive, but she never would have kept something so important from us,” 

“Rose Quartz didn’t, but maybe,” Steven muttered, trailing off as he glanced at the painting hanging above them all. He moved it to Lion’s mane for a reason, seeing it again made his skin itch in a sort of subconscious way. 

“Well maybe Steven just has some sort of power that Rose didn’t,” Amethyst argued, ignoring how Steven had gone silent, staring at the painting. “Not everything is exactly the same with him. I mean, what about his spit?” 

“I suppose that could be true,” Pearl ventured, placing a hand on her chin in a classic thinking pose. “But still, even that’s a little far fetched. There’s usually some sort of basis for those types of things. Like how Rose had tears...spit isn’t _that_ far off,” 

“Maybe we should ask Steven,” They both quieted, glancing at Garnet quickly before turning their gazes to the oddly quiet boy, still lost in his own head. “Steven,” She coaxed further, and he hummed, looking back at them in confusion. 

“What? What did I miss?” 

“You’re a million miles away, dude,” Amethyst laughed, barely masking her genuine concern. “We wanna know about your powers,” 

“Oh,” He shoved down the urge to wince, rubbing a few scars on the back of his hands as he looked out the windows again. “Well, the only thing close to this that I can think of is that once I switched consciousness with Lars,”

The gems waited patiently as he tried to find the right words to explain the future without giving too much detail. “Uh, a few years ago I discovered that I could project some of my thoughts onto television screens…and I think phones, too,”

A fresh wave of recent memories resurfaced, and he rubbed at the scars a little harder. “I can sometimes see past events in my dreams, but that was a long time ago, and that was related to…” He trailed off, clearing his throat. “Maybe it being power-related is wrong,” 

“Hm, then what do you propose it is?” Pearl gave Garnet an incredulous look, never hearing her give away the leadership so easily.

Maybe she’d realized something about this future Steven that they hadn’t. She tore her gaze away from the taller gem, instead gaping at Steven. He swung his legs back and forth a few times, his hands still busy with his scars. 

“Maybe it’s the universe telling us something,” He said quietly, mostly to himself, but the others heard. 

“Oh really. And what is the universe trying to say?” Garnet couldn’t keep the amusement out of her voice, drawing closer to the older boy. 

“Maybe I messed up somewhere along the line,” He mused to himself, his gaze never faltering away from the windows. “Maybe it sent Steven to the future to fix everything...maybe it wanted to get rid of me for something important,” 

“Why would it get rid of you?” Garnet pressed, very lightly, watching as Steven’s brows pulled together. 

“Because…” He broke off, looking up at Garnet, searching the blank lenses for some sort of answer. He didn’t find one. “It doesn’t matter, we’ll find a way to get your Steven back,” 

Garnet didn’t look convinced that the conversation was over, but Steven hopped off of the counter, startling the gems into taking a step back. 

“Where are you going bud?” Amethyst asked as he sidestepped Garnet towards the door. 

“I was just going to go on a walk,” He glanced at the door and then back to the gems. “I’ll stay on the beach, going in the opposite direction of the boardwalk. I just need to think,” 

“I’ll come with you!” Amethyst jumped from her seat, giving him a wide smile.

He bit back a snarky remark, closing his eyes for a second to reel in his emotions. Maybe it was because he was tired, he mused to himself. He showed up from the middle of the night to the middle of the day. That was almost as bad as traveling through the time zones.

Puffing up his cheeks with air, he managed a weak nod. “Yeah, okay. It’ll be fun,” He dug his hands deep into his pockets, trying to steady his mind, mentally preparing himself for any conversation she might throw at him. 

“Well...be careful. You don’t know how the humans will react to...time travel,” Pearl pieced her words together carefully, and Garnet gave them a single thumbs up. 

“Let’s go, dude!” Amethyst brushed past him, elbowing his arm gently as she opened the door. 

“We’ll be very careful,” He promised, taking a hand out of his pocket to wave over his shoulder, inhaling deeply as he stepped outside. 

Amethyst was already on the sand below, grinning up at him from the bottom of the stairs. He hopped down quickly, surprising himself with the few inches he floated off the ground. Maybe one on one time with Amethyst was making him more lighthearted than he thought. 

They started in the direction he promised he’d go in, Steven’s taller strides taking him a few steps ahead of Amethyst.

She didn’t seem to mind, trailing behind him as he stared out at the ocean, lost in his own head.

What if they couldn’t find a way back?

Back in the past, they didn’t have access to really any of the information they had in the future. He didn’t know how far he’d traveled back, and he was almost afraid to ask.

What if he mentioned some world-ending crisis’ that they didn’t even know about yet?

Like how he knew about the Diamonds, and the Cluster, and...well, all of the other traumatic stuff in between.

How was he going to survive without messing anything up?

He could just...not talk to anyone.

What if he ran into anyone on the boardwalk? What if _Connie_ came over? What if his _dad_ showed up?

Oh man, Connie and his dad. He wondered how they were handling the situation in the future. He felt helpless, and conflicted, and _exhausted_ , and maybe a little hungry. 

_Wait_ , he stopped his mindless walking, turning to look back at his company. Amethyst had stopped in her tracks a few feet away, turning so she stood facing the ocean entirely. _What was she…?_

She fell backward, flopping gracelessly onto the sand with little time for Steven to react.

The seemingly random collapse was enough to send Steven over the edge, his skin lighting up bright pink as he rushed over to her side, sliding to a stop on his knees as his hands hovered over her. 

“Amethyst? Oh man, did I do something? Are you okay, are you dying? Oh did I screw something up again--”

She opened her eyes, steading his hands by grabbing them with her own. “Dude! Dude, I’m fine, look at me, I’m great, I’m good!”

His whole body was shaking, and he felt his chest tighten with the pink energy. “You looked super worked up, I thought you were going to explode or something so I was going to make you sit down…” She looked him over, keeping his shaking fingers clutched firmly in her hands.

The pinkness surprised her for a moment, but she was quickly looking past the weirdness to focus on Steven. “You’re...you’re not going to explode, are you?” 

“N-no, no,” He closed his eyes, breathing deeply for a second, trying to untie the knot in his throat. He tried to remember what his therapist told him about the breathing pattern.

Breathe in...

Hold...

Breath out...

His skin began to dim, and Amethyst continued to hold his hands, watching with fascination as his skin returned to normal, although his face was red. 

“Hey, you’re fine. I’m here, I’m sorry for scaring you,” 

“It’s not your fault,” He managed, slowly moving to sit criss-cross. Amethyst mirrored his movements, never moving her hands from his. “You were trying to make me feel better,” 

“Well a lot of good that did,” She mumbled, frowning as she looked away. 

Steven managed to raise his head, taking deep breaths through his nose now. “I mean, now that I don’t think you’re dying, it was uh, _kinda_ funny?” She looked back at him, unimpressed. “It’s the thought that counts. Don’t beat yourself up over it, you didn’t know,” 

“But I should’ve at least assumed that dark humor wouldn’t be the best for you right now...what happened to you, anyway?” It was Steven’s turn to look away, trying to mask the haunted look in his eyes. 

“A lot,” 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

“Nah, that’s not your job. I don’t want to put anything else on you. This is my life, you don’t need to worry about my problems,” 

“But I _want_ to,” 

He looked back at her, giving her his best wobbly smile. “We can be here for each other, right? I’m from the future, I know a few things myself. And I know...I know _exactly_ how much you need to stop worrying about me and start worrying for yourself,” She titled her head at him, and he sighed. “Right now...I know you might not feel great. I don’t either, but I’m working on it. But you, you keep getting pulled into all of these problems about Homeworld, and about gems you don’t know about. About a war you weren’t a part of,” 

“Speaking from experience?” 

“A long time ago I thought I was just supposed to be Rose Quartz. Live up to her expectations. Try to be half as good as she was,” He resisted the urge to place a hand on his stomach. “I thought to solve all of the problems she created, I would have to answer for her crimes. There’s a lot more to it, trust me, my mom was an even better liar than she led on,” Amethysts brows knit together she watched Steven scrunch his face up. “Corrupted gems, Homeworld, the Diamonds,” Her eyes widened as she watched Steven looked out over the ocean, almost wistfully. “I thought the fight would never be over,” 

“And then?” She prompted, softly. His eyes never left the horizon, his hands clutching hers tightly. 

“I realized that wasn’t true at all. I’m not my mom. I’m me...I’ve _always_ been me. And I realized _I could make a change~_ ” The last part came out half-sung, and he smiled to himself, turning back to her. 

“Everything is really messed up right now. We’re all still a little messed up, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a mess,”

He closed his eyes for a second, finally letting go of her hands, leaning back into the sand. “I mean, that’s not the right wording, but what I mean is…” He took in a deep breath, opening his eyes at her again. She found herself leaning forward, hanging off every word he said with rapt attention.

“ _I_ think you’re awesome. I love that you _want_ to be silly with me, and I love that we can just _be_ . Just exist together without some sort of responsibility hanging above our heads. In the future, sure we grew up a little, but that means nothing. We’re family. We’re screw-ups together. We _matter_ ,” 

“Together?” 

He hummed in response. “I dedicate every Wednesday as Amethyst day. We video chat and send each other funny TubeTube videos, and I always find something you’d love and take a selfie with it. I take risks like you would, and I remember that...maybe I’m not what everyone wanted. What everyone expected. But I’m still good enough. At least, I’m still good enough for this family. I’m still good enough to you,” 

She lost her voice for a second, his words sinking in. “Do you...did you...how much do you know about... _me_?” 

“I know that you’re good enough for me, and maybe that doesn’t count for anything but...I hope it does,” 

“Of course it does,” Her voice broke at the end, and she stood up, pacing away for a moment, all of the validation making her cheeks warm and her grin even wider. She turned back, stopping as she waited for Steven to stand up with her, dusting sand off his pants. “Every Wednesday?” She asked, quietly. 

He grinned, looking up from his jeans. “Absolutely,” He paused, looking at the ground for a moment, then grinned. “ _Through whoever you’ve been,_

_through whoever you’ll be,_

_through whatever you lose,_

_you will always have me~_ ” He looked up, still smiling as he sang. “ _At the end of your rope,_

_I’ll be holding you taught,_

_I’m gonna be right by your side, no matter what…_ ” 

“What was--” 

“Let’s head back to the house,” He was already walking past her, his arm brushing hers. 

“Yeah,” She said, awestruck. “Yeah, Steve-o, whatever you say,” 

They ended up back at the house around ten minutes later, with only a few minor detours along the way (also the reason why Steven’s pants we’re rolled up and why Amethysts hair was dripping wet).

Steven was humming, not being able to help himself as he floated every couple of steps. Amethyst jogged to stay beside him, laughing whenever he stumbled on a landing.

They neared the stairs when they heard the yelling. 

“I said lessons were canceled, you should just _go home_!” Pearl’s shrill voice cut through the screens, and Steven exchanged a confused glance with Amethyst. 

“And _I_ said I’m not leaving until you tell me what happened to Steven!” Steven’s face paled, recognizing the voice, although younger, immediately. 

“Steven’s fine!” Pearl argued back, and he heard Connie stomp her foot. 

“Then where is he!” 

“That’s none of your concern!” 

“He’s my best friend, of course it’s my concern,” 

Amethyst glanced at Steven, then towards the top of the steps. “Catfight,” She joked, and Steven managed a strangled sort of laugh.

“We’d better stop this before it gets out of hand,” He rasped, giving Amethyst a sort of nervous smile. 

“Are you sure? Getting Connie involved--”

“Is probably the best course of action, unless you want me to hide from her banging on the front door for however long I’m going to be here, 

“Wise words,” 

“I’ve had some practice,” They elbowed each other, and Amethyst went up the stairs first, leaving Steven to contemplate the inevitable. He inhaled deeply, tugging on the sleeve of his jacket, before heading up the stairs. 

“Whaddup, Connie?” Amethyst greeted, leaning on the railing by the door. Said girl whirled around, her expression clearing from a glare. 

“Amethyst, maybe you’ll have some sense,” Pearl gasped in offense. “Where’s Steven? Is he alright? Did something happen to him? Is he hurt?” 

She nodded her head towards the top of the stairs, where Steven had just appeared, shifting awkwardly forward, keeping his hands deep in his pockets. “Define ‘hurt’. On the one hand, right now I’m pretty okay. On the other hand, the x-ray’s of my bones say otherwise,” She gaped at him for a second, Pearl looking absolutely gobsmacked at his sudden arrival. 

“You’re...you..with the pink jacket...Steven?” Connie looked him up and down, finally bringing her gaze to his eyes. 

“Hi Connie,” He said, bringing a single hand to wave shyly at her. “I like your hair. It’s longer than usual,” She just stared at him.

_Oh boy_. 


	7. Jam Buds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven takes Connie home without any sword fighting practice, promising lessons later in the week. Where Lion takes him next is not back to the temple, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LION THIS IS NOT THE MOVIES!!! I'm sorry, I love them. Pearl is definitely telling Garnet about Steven's x-ray joke, so that's going to be a fun conversation for later ;). I really want a very sarcastic interaction between Lars and Steven (that's just how I imagine their relationship in Future, sue me), so that's also another thing to look forward to. Funny story actually, but I don't have much of a plotline for younger Steven in the future (it's all very mediocre stuff with small interactions with him and the gems--but all the world-threatening crisis' were mostly solved by Steven during the series), so if you guys want to see that comment!! I'd love to write about it, but it won't be interesting (at least, AS interesting I should say). Also, I love reading comments in general! So do that if y'all wanna! See you guys soon with the next chapter (once I sort out the idea's of course). Tumblr? @thatonedudeinthecorner (I make memes about the process of me writing this story so that's fun)!! Bye for now, folks!!!!

“So you’re telling me you somehow time traveled from the future?” 

“Yup,”

“And you don’t know how or why you’re here?”

“Yup,”

“And you don’t know how to get back?” 

“Not a clue,”

“And it might happen again spontaneously?” 

“Oh yeah, absolutely,”

“Anything else you forgot to mention?” He sent her a sideways glance, smiling softly. 

He’d let Connie into the house, after assuring Pearl that explaining everything would be the best option for them (they both knew how persistent Connie was). He told her most of what was going on, that he was from the future and the Steven of the past was where he was supposed to be. 

He shrugged his jacket off, placing it beside him on the couch. Connie waited patiently for his answer. “I don’t think so. That’s basically it,” She looked him over again, her eyes lingering on his arms for a moment. 

Steven ignored the urge to shift under her gaze, his hands rubbing at the scars on his arms as she looked. 

“How far?” 

“What?” 

She rolled her eyes. “How far in the future from now?” 

“Oh,” He blinked at her, looking at the gems near the counter for a second. “That’s actually a good question, I have no idea…” He cleared his throat, lowering his voice more. “The gems don’t work on years and junk, so I didn’t want to accidentally mention an event that hadn’t happened yet when trying to figure out how far back I’ve traveled,” 

Connie laughed a little as his less than discreet manner, glancing at the gems briefly before returning her attention to Steven. “Well, as far as I know, the last big gem crisis was when you got kidnapped into space,” 

Steven didn’t want to mention that he had no idea which kidnapping she was talking about, but based on her long hair and frameless glasses, he assumed it had to be the  _ first _ time. 

“So that already happened?” She nodded, and he let out a huff of breath. “Well, that’s a start. You’re here for sword fighting, though. So...this must be when we’re looking for...Peridot?” Connie shrugged, sitting back into the couch cushion. 

“I think you’ve—well the younger you—mentioned Peridot, so that might be true,” Steven laughed softly, giving Amethyst a thumbs up from her spot on the counter. She returned the gesture, going back to explain to the other gems that nothing bad had happened on their walk. 

“I wonder if…” He glanced at the warp pad briefly, flashes of gem shards filling his mind. “We must have at least found the escape pod…” He searched the empty air for a moment longer, then turned back to Connie. She was giving him a look he was all too familiar with. “What?” 

“You just seem…” She paused, examining his expression for a moment before glancing briefly at his arms. “Distracted,” 

“That’s funny, you’re not the first person who’s said that to me today,” He cracked a smile, stifling a yawn. 

“It must be true then,” 

“Eh, statistically speaking. I’m just... _ remembering _ ,” He regretted taking his jacket off, though he was hot, suddenly feeling uncomfortable in his own skin. “I’d say I’m...five years ahead? I want to remember everything that’s happened so maybe I can help...or avoid? I don’t know,” 

“Is there really anything that happens so soon that’s that important?” Connie laughed, but it lost its edge when she realized Steven had looked away. “Wait, really?” 

“That’s not really my place to say,” He pursed his lips, gesturing around the room as if that explained everything. “It’s just...it’ll all make sense. That sounds really cryptic but I’m not so good at lying, so I’m trying to avoid that while staying vague enough,” 

She searched his face for a moment, her gaze softening at whatever she found. 

“Is there something that happens in the future that...” He looked down to his lap, keeping his hands tightly clasped together as she trailed off. It was answer enough for her, and she plowed forward. “Do you...do you,” She shifted awkwardly, obviously choosing her words carefully. “Do you need a hug?” 

“Uh…” He hesitated at first, knowing how different this Connie was from  _ his  _ Connie, but was simultaneously assaulted with the desire of physical contact. 

He’d been working a lot in the future on finding his boundaries and enforcing them (with help from his therapist), but Connie was always the one he never had to set boundaries with. He’d always been touchy-feely with her, and though he was less comfortable around the gems from spending so much time apart, that wasn’t the case with Connie. 

He’d been there during her study sessions in her dorm, they had lunch together three times a week and kept a constant cuddle streak on most Fridays as she unwinded. 

Steven doesn’t remember a time in their relationship, even as best friends, where they weren’t comfortable with physical contact. Maybe it was a blank spot in his memory, but he decided to ignore that for the moment. 

Inhaling deeply, he nodded, wasting no time in bear-hugging Connie, placing his head on top of hers gently. 

She froze in his grip for a moment, her head pressed against his chest securely. A blush spread across her cheeks, but her delicate hands found their way to his shoulder blades, patting his back gently. 

Steven exhaled, closing his eyes for a second as he tried to picture a normal situation in the future, where he was just hugging Connie because that’s what they did. 

“Okay,” He said, at last, savoring the embrace for a second longer before he began to pull away. Connie looked slightly frazzled when they let go of each other, her hands immediately going to move her hair behind her ears. “I think I needed that,” He laughed, rubbing one of the scars on his forearm. 

Connie nodded, looking over to the gems for a second, who were watching them curiously. 

“I think I did, too. You’re really good at hugs,” She added softly, and he giggled harder, making something settle in her stomach. 

He was still _Steven_ , he was still her best friend. 

“Oh,” He caught his breath, reaching for his jacket as he stood. “I might be wrong in guessing, but I think everyone here is too emotionally exhausted to actually do sword fighting practice,” He glanced at Pearl, who nodded slightly, watching as he slid the jacket on. “And now that everything is, uh,  _ explained _ ,” He held out a hand to Connie,  helping her to her feet. “We should probably get you home,” 

“Oh, right!” She had almost forgotten why she was here in the first place, her mind previously preoccupied with the messy time travel situation. She grabbed her bag from the table, tucking her glasses into one of the pockets. “It’s a little earlier than usual...I don’t know how long I’d have to wait for the bus…” She glanced at the microwave clock for a second, trying to remember the bus schedule. 

“That’s fine, I’ll just—” He paused for a second, patting his pocket out of habit. “I almost forgot we don’t have the Dondai yet,” He winced a little, but brightened quickly. “I’ll take you home on Lion!” 

“The Dondai?” She wondered aloud, but Steven just shook his head, starting towards the door. 

She looked to the gems for any sort of explanation, to which they shook their heads. I guess there were more than a few world-ending crises that Steven was keeping to himself. She hid a snicker behind her fist and followed him out to the porch. 

Steven headed towards the railing quickly, looking around. “He’s usually napping around here somewhere…”

Connie shut the door quietly, waving goodbye to the gems. She laughed a little as Steven scratched his head in thought, coming to stand next to him. “I don’t think Lion is that well trained. He could be halfway across the world for all we know,” 

He looked down at her (wow, that was a first, it made Connie feel suddenly self-conscious), furrowing his brows. “Nah, he’s definitely here. It’s just...it’s just a thing you  _ know _ , y’know?” 

“Not really, but sure,” She watched him for a moment longer, then moved her gaze to scan the beach with him. 

The sun had yet to touch the horizon, but it was making its way there, the waves lapping the shore in mesmerizing repetition. A few seagulls were picking at a few places in the sand, but there was no sign of a giant pink feline. 

She looked back at Steven, her eyes widening as he easily climbed on top of the railing, standing at an even taller height advantage. “What are you—”

“I’m pretty sure he’s…” Steven looked towards the roof as he turned around, and Connie feared for his balance. He squinted upwards briefly, then glanced down at her. “I think he’s up near the lighthouse,” He pointed up as if to emphasize what he said. “I’ll be back in a second,” 

“Where are you—” With a blast of air, Steven was gone, having jumped to the roof as leverage, flipping from there to the top of the cliff, disappearing completely. 

Connie’s hair was blown completely from her face as she gaped after him.  _ Since when could he… _

“Found him!!” His voice echoed down, followed immediately by Steven reappearing on the porch, his rapid descent slowing just before he touched the boards. Lion’s portal opened and he jumped through, sliding a few feet forward on the sand near the stairs. 

She looked back towards the kitchen, wondering if the gems had just seen what she had. Amethyst was grinning at her in a knowing manner, Pearl looking as uncomfortable as she felt while Garnet continued her blank staring. 

Steven came into her line of vision again, smiling shyly as he passed her to get to the stairs.  _ What else didn’t she know about him? _

“How do you know Lion will take us to my house?” She called after him, following him down the stairs. 

Steven was already next to Lion, burying his face into his fluffy mane. She stood back, watching in amusement as he baby-talked Lion, scratching behind his ears and under his chin. He grumbled under the attention for a moment, obviously satisfied, then flopped down, rolling over so Steven could aggressively rub his stomach. 

Connie had never seen Lion do this before, but Steven seemed to have it down to a science, continuing to coo at the big feline as he showered him in affection. 

“He’ll probably be nice,” He left Lion lying on his back with one final pat, stepping back. “Probably,” Lion rolled over, batting his eyelashes up at Steven, who cooed again, leaning down to rub his head some more. 

“How about it Lion? Will you give Connie and me a ride?” Connie watched in fascination as they had a stare-off, Steven’s puppy-dog eyes evenly matched with Lion’s innocent stare. Lion lowered his head more, blinking tiredly at Steven as if pleading for him to pet him more as he napped. “Pleeeeease? Lion, we need you!” 

“I don’t think he’s too keen on doing any favors without something in return,” 

“Bribery,” Connie giggled, and Steven nodded seriously. “Gotcha,” He turned back to Lion, placing a hand on his hip. “It’s always bribery with you,” He scolded without any heat behind it, wagging a finger at him playfully. “Alright, if you take us to Connie’s, I’ll give you a  _ Lion Licker _ ,” 

He was up immediately, stretching for a moment before turning back to face them, his eyes glowing. Steven turned back to grin at Connie, who shouldered her bag and smiled back. 

“I guess he does this a lot in the future?” She watched from a few steps away as Steven easily slid onto Lion’s back, holding out a hand to help her up as well. 

“I feel like Lion has a special language. One that’s very simple, involving snacks and sleep,” Connie accepted his hand, her eyes going wide as he easily pulled her up, continuing to sit sideways so he could make eye contact with her. “If you give him enough attention, he’ll be willing to do what you want. If he’s tired, though, that involves mentioning food,” 

“Wow, you should perform a study on him, you could write a book or something,” He glanced down at Lion, patting his head fondly. 

“I don’t think the world is ready for the secrets of understanding Lion,” His tone was so wistful, Connie almost pitied the idea, but then she caught sight of his expression. 

He was joking, his smile betraying his tone, which was far too dramatic to be taken seriously. 

Connie rolled her eyes, pushing his shoulder lightly. “Oh shaddup, you know nobody can understand him, even if you analyzed everything about him,” 

“That’s what makes it fun,” He winked at her, swinging one of his legs over Lion’s back so that he was facing forwards again. 

Connie laughed lightly, gripping the back of his jacket as Lion began to move, taking a few steps towards the house. “Don’t be afraid to hold on tighter,” He turned his head slightly to mention, locking eyes with Connie briefly. 

Her cheeks darkened again, and she nodded, leaning into his back. 

“I like the jacket, by the way,” She murmured, and Steven took a moment to reply. 

Lion had turned towards the ocean again, his muscles tensing before he took a giant leap, clearing most of the sand in a few steps, barely touching the ocean before he roared, a glowing portal opening at his command. 

“What?” Steven called, wind rushing in his hair as they neared the magical doorway. 

“I said—” She cut herself off as they entered the portal, her breath nearly knocked out of her lungs as she gripped Steven for dear life, shutting her eyes tightly.

As quickly as it began, it stopped, all the whipping air slowing to a calm breeze. Lion skidded on the pavement for a moment, sliding to a stop right in front of her mailbox. 

“I said I like your jacket,” She breathed, loosening her grip slowly from Steven’s sides. 

“Oh,” He laughed, slipping off of Lion’s back as soon as she’d let go completely. “Thanks, I like it too,” She hopped off the opposite side, watching as Lion collapsed as soon as their weight was gone. “Oh Lion, you did so well buddy!” 

“Thanks, Lion,” She added, walking towards the sound of Steven’s voice, who was rubbing Lion’s head soothingly. “And thank you, Steven,” 

“Most of the credit goes to Lion,” He deflected the comment easily, giving Lion one last scratch under the chin before he turned his attention to Connie. 

“Will you be okay?” 

“Hm?” He stepped around Lion’s head, stopping a few steps away from Connie. She was looking at him with a worried expression, something he was _very_ familiar with. “I think he’ll only be out for a few minutes, I’m sure if I promise him a second Lion Licker he’ll be up in no time,” 

“That's not what I meant,” She muttered, taking her glasses from her bag carefully. 

“I know,” He added softly, watching as she placed the frames effortlessly onto her nose, pushing them up slightly. “And I think I will be,” 

“It’s all so weird,”

“It’s not  _ that _ bad,”

“You don’t have to pretend that it’s not,” He looked away quickly, trying to hide the memories he knew were flashing across his eyes. “It’s just us, I’m not expecting you to find any of this okay...not like the gems would,” 

“Yeah...yeah I just,” He sighed, meeting her gaze again. “I’m not the same person they know...the same Steven  _ you _ know. I don’t want to disappoint them that I’m not... _ him _ ,”

“I’m not disappointed,” 

He smiled kindly at her, shoving his hands into his pockets. “You might be...you might be if you knew _more_ ,”

“That’s not true, I would never…” She caught the cracks in his smile, the way it wavered for a split second. “I don’t care what happens in the future. You’re still you, I know you are. You’re taller...and you have a lower voice, and you look like something heavy is on your shoulders...but that doesn’t mean you aren’t still  _ you _ ,” 

“I’m afraid maybe it does,” 

“That’s crazy,” 

“Maybe, but isn’t this entire situation crazy? Isn’t everything about my life some sort of crazy?” He didn’t mean to sound so bitter, but it came out harsh and brittle. “I have a lot of...a lot of memories that I’m reliving, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to do that yet,”

“I...I don’t know how to help,” Connie managed, reaching out cautiously to touch his arm. 

“You don’t need to help. I’d like for you to be here...and I’d like for your life to stay relatively normal. But these are my issues. I can handle them…”

“But?” 

“But I really don’t wanna do it again,”

His voice went lower than usual, his eyes shut tightly. “I know what comes next and I don’t think I’m strong enough to be a part of it. They don’t need me, they need  _ your _ Steven. I’m just...I think I’m too messed up for it,” 

Connie looked at his scrunched shoulders and pained expression for less than a second before she surged forward, hugging him tightly. He wasted no time in returning the affection, resting his head into her shoulder as his hands shook. 

“The world isn’t looking for perfection. It’s not looking for someone to solve everything. It’s perfect with just a Steven, no matter which Steven that is,” 

“What if I can’t…”

“You don’t have to,” Her hands found their way back to his shoulder blades, squeezing him tightly before letting go again. “At least...not alone,” 

“Alone is boring, anyway,” He wiped his eyes quickly, managing a laugh. “Isn’t that right, Strawberry?” 

“Always, Biscuit,” 

“I think I should get going before your parents decide to look out the windows and murder me for hugging their daughter,” 

She giggled, picking up her bag from the ground. “Text me, Steven, I’m going to help you guys figure this out. And I’m going to get my sword-fighting lesson later this week,” 

“Yes ma’am,” Steven waved goodbye, watching as she jumped up the steps, only turning away once she’d closed the door. 

Lion was still sprawled out on the pavement, his eyes wide open and watching Steven. 

“I feel like I’ve been here before,” 

Lion grumbled in response. 

“No seriously, I’ve definitely been right here before, and you made me bribe you then, too,” 

Lion puffed out a long breath. 

“Did you hear me earlier, bud? If you take me home you’re getting not one, not three, but two Lion Lickers!!” 

Lion looked unimpressed, blinking slowly at Steven. 

He pouted. “Lion, my wallet isn’t bottomless, I can’t afford more than two ice creams whenever I need to go somewhere,” 

Lion blinked at him again. 

“You think I’ve gone soft, eh?” 

No response. 

“Well, if two isn’t good enough I’ll just have to  _ walk _ home!” 

Lion lowered his head onto his paws, closing his eyes. 

“You would just let me suffer? Oh, c’mon Lion! If you take me home you’ll get two Lion Lickers, all the naps you want and...uh, I’ll give you a ten-minute long belly rub!” 

Lion stood quickly, pushing his face into Steven’s. 

“Woah there, since when did you get excited about me rubbing your belly?” 

Lion pushed more insistently, and he batted him away, climbing onto his back swiftly. 

“Maybe  _ you’ve _ gone soft on  _ me _ , bud!” He laughed to himself as Lion raced down the road, creating a portal and hopping through quickly. 

Steven had little time to process when Lion landed because he was vaulted off his back, crashing into cold tiles. He slid for a second, his vision catching up to his body as he stared at a familiar ceiling, air conditioning blasting from somewhere above him. 

He looked behind him, watching as Lion approached the row of fridges, one containing none other than Lion Licker’s themselves. His brain managed to piece together the situation, and he couldn’t help his groan as he realized where Lion had taken him. 

“Lion, we have those at  _ home _ ! This is not the temple! Y’know what, you’re only getting  _ five minutes _ of belly rubs!!” Lion exhaled onto the glass, creating a smudge where his nose was pressed. “That’s right, and if you keep up this behavior you’re sleeping outside mister. I’m putting my foot down, you hear me? You hear the disappointed flip flop sound? And I thought we were  _ bonding _ !” 

He broke off his glaring when he heard the sound of boxes hitting the floor. He sat up quickly, his wide eyes meeting two pairs in the same position. His brain drew a blank when he realized exactly who he was looking at.  Lars was standing at the storage room entrance, a pile of boxes at his feet, and Sadie was slowly standing up from her chair. 

First, his brain remembered he was in the past, indicated by the normal skin tone on Lars and the Big Donut shirts both of them wore. 

Then, his brain remembered that because he was in the past, he wasn’t supposed to interact with any of the people on the boardwalk, as not to freak them out. 

Lastly, his brain reminded him that he was in fact in the Big Donut, and he had in fact freaked out Sadie and Lars. 

“Oh man, this is totally _your_ fault,” He hissed, moving his head towards Lion, but never breaking eye contact with Sadie. He heard Lion growl low in his throat, and if he wasn’t currently trying to diffuse a situation, he would have looked back at him and growled back.

“Y-you’re, you’re, you look like,” 

“STEVEN??” Lars cut in between Sadie’s mumbling, her hand raised shakily to point at him. 

“Steven?” Sadie added, more unsure and in a much smaller voice. 

Steven finally looked away, sighing as he looked at his shoes. When he looked back up, he forced a smile, looking both of them in the eye. 

“That’s my name, glad you didn’t forget it,”

He was _screwed_. 


	8. I think I could use a napkin nap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven tries to talk his way out of the Big Donut situation, keeping the thought of running away an option. Fortunately, he's interrupted by costumers. Unfortunately, that means he has to hide with Lars. Fortunately, that gives Steven an idea of what Lion is up to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LET STEVEN SAY FUCK!!! I can let him say whatever the hell I want but I feel like he just needs a "fuck everything" moment followed by outraged gasps from literally everyone. Okay, so this chapter is kinda all over the place but I woke up at 3 one day, wrote spastic plot points on like seven sticky notes, and passed out because I had online school later. I called my friend a while ago and just ranted about plot for a while, to which she didn't listen to half of it, but I thought it was good (Literally I don't know what I'm doing ever). LOTS OF SASS!!! I wanted him to sass past Lars but then with the whole future Lars thing, there were too many perfect opportunities. I have a lot of ideas and this chapter is basically late-night word vomit so maybe next chapter will be different (hah, no, everything I do is late-night word vomit). Also, Steven's therapist who? Rarely mentioned her! Comment if you wanna! I love reading comments, I thrive from the comments (the comments please me...I am so tired everyone ignore me). Feel free to ask questions or just generally vibe with the story, those are also fun!! (Tumblr? @thatonedudeinthecorner OR my new blog @imgoingtotraumatizesteeb, I make memes about my process, it's funny to me). Okay, until next chapter!!

“You’re so much taller now!” 

“Your voice is deeper too!” 

“Since when could your... _friend_ do that?!?”

“The jacket is new, the jacket is definitely new, too!”

“Where did you come from?” 

“Did the Lion open a portal from the future?”

“Is this some sort of weird, uh, _magic_ thing?”

“Lars! But seriously, is this a weird magic thing??”

The two of them had forced him into one of the chairs, hovering over him like he was about to explode.

The thought wasn’t too far off, Steven was known to go occasionally...full rage mode, and the ignoring of personal boundaries was making his anxiety act up. They were both staring at him expectantly, their mini interrogation sitting uncomfortably in the air.

He looked away for a second, trying to compose himself with their wide eyes watching his every move. He swallowed dryly. 

“That’s classified?” 

“What?” He shrugged at Lars’s question, sinking further into the chair. If only one of his powers was invisibility. He could’ve escaped so many situations. 

“Look, I’m Steven. I’m uh...in the middle of some _magic thing_ ,” He looked both of them in the eye, trying to keep his friendly attitude. “I can only really ask you guys to forget about all of this—I’m not really supposed to _interact_ with anyone?” 

“Why not?” It was Sadie this time, her expression clouded with worry. He held up his hands in a peaceful gesture, shaking his head slightly. 

“Nothings wrong. It’s just, uh, trying to keep everything pretty normal,” 

“What kind of magic thing? Like...time travel?” Lars placed his hands on his hips, scrutinizing Steven. 

“Uh, that’s classified?” 

“So it _is_ time travel?” 

Steven shrugged hopelessly, glancing at Lion with the hopes he would realize his mistake and interrupt the entire conversation. “I should go,” 

“Go?” Steven slid out of the chair sideways, avoiding both Sadie and Lars as they followed one step behind him. “Go _where_?” 

“Uh...not here,” He was a few steps from the door when he paused, spotting Mr. Smiley a little way up the boardwalk. “Uh, actually here is fine,” He backed away from the door, avoiding their gazes as he grabbed Lion’s face. 

“Steven? What’s going on?” He shut his eyes tightly, clenching his jaw at the situation at hand.

He could try to convince Lion to take him home, or he could sneak through the back. Opening his eyes, he realized he would have to go with the latter option, knowing deep within his gut that Lion had something planned. Something that involved being at the Big Donut.

Damn ominous magical Lion, this was _just_ like the movies. 

“Nothing, everything’s fine. You dropped boxes? No problem,” He led Lion backward, keeping his hands on his face to make sure he listened. As he neared the entrance to the employee room, he quickly sprinted behind Lion, pushing him the rest of the way through, collecting the fallen boxes with rapid speed. “I’ll just…” He smiled awkwardly at the two dumbfounded employees, turning and rushing into the back right as the door opened. 

The two teens continued to stare at where the flustered half-gem retreated to, ignoring Mr. Smiley as he came in and greeted them. 

“Are you guys closing early?” He ventured, snapping Sadie out of it. 

“NO! No, we’re good. _Lars_ was just going to stock some things in the back when we heard a noise. Must just be the vents!” 

“Yup yup, the vents,” Lars added, scrambling towards the hallway leading to the back. “I’ll just be going then. To check. On the boxes. Because…” Mr. Smiley raised a brow at him, and he coughed. “You don’t need to know,” He turned on his heel and fled. 

Meanwhile, Steven has dropped the boxes down near the television, trying to be as quiet as possible as he slowly backed up. Backed up right into Lion. 

“I’m still mad at you,” He hissed, glancing nervously towards the closed door, making sure to keep a hand on Lion when he turned to look with him. 

Lion grumbled deep within his throat, walking away from Steven’s grip and towards the burnt spot on the wall. “ _I’m watching you_ ,” He added, whispering harshly. 

“Dude, I don’t think cats can open doors,” 

“You’ve never seen him try, he’s very committed,” Steven froze, turning slowly to peer at Lars. He was standing in the doorway, a hand on the knob as he stared apprehensively at Steven. “I mean, he’s a normal pink lion, there’s nothing to worry about and I should be going right now,” He turned to face Lion quickly, who was sprawled on the floor, making it very clear that he wasn’t going to be helpful. “I _said—_ ” 

“I’ll stop you right there,” Lars shut the door behind him, never taking his eyes off of Steven. “You aren’t going anywhere until you explain to me what kind of mess you’ve gotten yourself into,” 

“What if I escaped _really_ quickly?” Lars glared at him, to which he huffed at. “Since when did _you_ care what trouble I’ve gotten into,” 

He immediately felt guilty, watching as Lars looked offended for a moment before his annoyed expression returned. “I...I don’t care,” 

“No no, that was on me. I was mean and you’re right to be concerned,” 

“I’m not concerned!” 

“Yeah okay, Mr. Cool-guy,” 

Something flickered across Lars’s expression quickly, as he turned to close the door before Steven could see any further. He took a step back when Lars turned again, making eye contact before breaking it quickly. “Steven, what’s going on?” 

“I don’t know,” He mumbled, looking at the tv apprehensively, his hands going to his pockets out of habit. “I don’t know, okay?” His voice grew, and he knew how snippy it sounded but he was honestly too exhausted to care. 

“Well,” Lars looked taken aback for a moment, before schooling his emotions, walking across the room to pull a chair back from the table, nodding towards the other one. “We can ‘not know’ together,” Steven looked up, trying to hide his smile as he dragged his feet over to the table.

Lars cared, even in the past. Even when he acted like he wanted nothing to do with him. Maybe he did _something_ right. “Plus, this will save me from clean-up duty. It’s a win-win situation,” 

“Back to square one,” Steven huffed out a breathy laugh, leaning his head on his arm as he moved his gaze from the television to Lars. “I’m not getting out of this one?” 

“Well by now you’ve made me too curious to let you go, so you might as well tell me...I’m not making you or anything, it’s just a situational thing. Better than boring work, anyways,” 

“Aw, you do care,” He rolled his eyes at Lars’s flustered attempts at insisting he _didn’t care, thank you very much_.

He waited for Lars to calm down, inhaling deeply before telling him everything. Well, not _everything_ , but he explained the situation. Lars nodded at the right times, staring at him in silent sympathy for others.

It felt...good, to get all of his pent up emotions off his chest, adding more bitter tones to some parts. He tried to keep his frustrations to himself, making a lot of the unknowns sound more optimistic, like how he knew more about gem technology, or how he trusted his family from the future to have started figuring it out.

“So yeah,” He ended softly, staring at his free hand, flexing it and relaxing it on his thigh.

Lars took a moment to process everything, sitting deeper into his slouch as he exhaled incredulously. “That’s...pretty messed up,”

“It suits me,” Steven shrugged, trying to ignore the silent ‘ _I’m pretty messed up’_ that he bit back. 

Lar paused for another few seconds, searching his expression for something. “You’ve changed,”

“That’s funny, I had this huge thing a while ago about how I _wasn’t_ changing,” He looked away, back towards the wall Lion was lounged in front of. “And everyone else _was_ ,” He muttered, too quiet for Lars to hear. 

“I meant like your attitude...it’s more spunky,” He added quickly, noticing the complete drop in Steven’s expression. “Really teenager-y, it’s weird,” 

“Wow, oh my stars, it’s almost like I’m from the future and I’ve had time to develop my personality outside of your perspective of me from when I was like 12,” Steven drawled sarcastically. Lars’s eyebrows shot up significantly, and he barked out a laugh, watching as Steven’s lips quirked upwards. 

“Who taught you how to be _sassy_?” Steven looked back to him, raising a single brow at him.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Steven giggled a little at the other’s expression, curling his toes tightly around his flip flops. It was nice, this Lars was different but they could still joke around. 

It left him feeling a little empty inside, the pit in his stomach growing when he realized the Lars from his time probably had no idea he was missing to begin with. 

Catching the change in his mood, Lars shifted in his seat. “What uh, _when_ do you think all of this will get figured out?” 

“I don’t know,” Steven managed, flicking his gaze from Lars to Lion. “Right now I’m just wondering why Lion brought me here of all places,” He pressed his chin to his knuckle, hunching over with a sigh. 

“Maybe he was just hungry,” Lars tried, trying to lighten the tension. 

“Maybe...but usually Lion has some weird unforeseen motive, like _good of the world_ junk,” He waved his hand around a few times, sitting back in his chair again. “I think it has to do with the weird connection he had with my mom...with me? I don’t really understand it all but it’s because she healed him, just like I did…”

Steven froze, his brain clicking all of the pieces together at frantic speeds. He stood up abruptly, the chair falling behind him as he took a few steps towards Lion, his mind spinning. 

“Like you did…? To who? You healed Lion too?” Lars prompted, following the panicking boy with his eyes. Steven shook his head slowly, staring at Lion in awe from a few steps in front of him. 

“In the future, I healed...but how would he know…? Would it still work?” 

“Would what still work?” 

Steven waved a hand airly at him, crouching down towards Lion’s mane, placing a hand gently onto the fur, which immediately started glowing under his palm. “Lars, “ He looked back to the taller boy, his expression set with determination. 

“Yeah?” 

“I think I found a way home. If it works...well, be sure to keep an eye on Lion while I’m gone,” 

“Gone? Where? Steven, you’re freaking me out, dude I--” 

“Thanks,” Steven inhaled deeply, his cheeks puffing up with the air. He closed his eyes, plunging into the magic realm inside of Lion’s mane, popping up through the taller grass, coming up to around his waist now.

His eyes adjusted to his surroundings, and he whipped around quickly, ignoring the tree with his mother’s stuff as he searched for the one connecting him to Lars’s head. It was there, swaying in the distance with the non-existent wind of the realm. His feet were quicker than his brain, which hesitated for a moment as something clenched at his heart.

_Hope_. 

His eyes began to burn, his lungs following their example as he sprinted across the field, his nose attempting to fill his body with oxygen, but grasping at nothing. He could make it, he was going to make it!! 

His vision began to blur, his chest screaming at him to slow down, to turn back because he _needed_ air. He needed to breathe. He needed--

The ground disappeared beneath him, his body sinking through the pink grass and into the air, hitting something hard just as quickly. His mouth opened before his eyes did, gulping air as he tried to steady himself.

Where was he? _When_ was he? Did he make it?

Did he _fail_? 

“Woah!” A familiar voice called out from somewhere above his crumpled form on the ground. He choked a little, trying to lift himself up, but only managing to curl further in on himself. “Steven? Steven, can you hear me? Oh man, oh _man_!!”

“Is this a normal human thing? Do humans...forget how to breathe? How does breathing work?” Another voice added.

“Steven’s here!” And Steven felt relief flood through him.

_He’d done it!_

“Lars--” His chest heaved and he clenched his hands into fists, forcing himself to manage more words. “I made it! I need…” He inhaled again, exhaling more shakily as he pushed himself upwards again, on all fours now. “I need…”

He felt careful hands help him sit back on his knees, his eyes flashing white for a second before Lars’s face came into view.

_His_ Lar’s face, bright pink skin and all. His eyebrows were drawn in with worry, hands staying firmly on Steven’s shoulders. Rhodonite was behind him, leaning down with a hand pressed to her cheek with concern. He caught a glimpse of Padparadscha somewhere to his left, but Flourite and the twins were nowhere to be seen. 

“Steven, you’ve been missing for days,” Lars hissed, moving a hand to brush along the collar of his jacket and his face as if checking for injuries that Steven didn’t have. “And you just pop outta my head? You gotta stop doing that man!” 

“I’m sorry, next time I’ll knock,” They grinned at each other, and Steven resisted the urge to hug him. “Did you...do you know where I was?” 

“If 12-year-old Steven says anything, then I’d say so,” 

“Oh my stars, I need to reach Connie! Have you seen her? Talked to her?’ He glanced around the ship for a second, reality sinking in. “Have they figured anything out?” 

Lars shook his head sadly, sitting down cross-legged in front of him. “We called on a com for a while, but that had to be at least four days ago,”

“Four? I’ve only been gone a few hours!” 

“Really? Well, they’ve asked us to try and talk with the gems on Qua...quo…” He turned to Rhodonite. 

“Qatar 423, 6b?” She added, and Lars thanked her quietly. 

“That one. We’re looking for something to get you back. But now you’re here! Uh,” He tilted his head at Steven, who had finally calmed his breaths. “How _are_ you here, exactly?” 

Steven shrugged helplessly, looking at his hair briefly. “Lion took me to the Big Donut and when I saw you, well younger you and Sadie, something sorta clicked and I had to test it out. I think it has to do with me? Because I’m from the future, I mean. In the past I was still able to use all my powers,” He winced silently, remembering his _pink_ episode. “One of my powers is to access Lion’s mane...and your head, I guess,” 

“So...you traveled through Lion’s mane from the past into the future?’ Steven nodded, and Lars lifted a hand to grip at his hair. “Through my _head_???” 

“Apparently,” 

“So...do you know what brought you to the past?”

He shook his head sadly, moving to stand. “No idea...I’ve suddenly realized my fear of magically disappearing,” 

Lars grimaced. “Sorry, man,” Steven waved him off. “Oh! We need to get to Connie!”

“We’re moving through space,” Steven gestured around the ship as an example. “How far out are we exactly?” 

“Uh...we will get to a place where we can contact Connie,” Steven glanced around him cautiously. 

“I don’t know if this whole mane thing will last…”

“Why do you think that?” 

Steven stayed quiet for a second, biting his lower lip. “Steven has a bad feeling about this,” Padparadscha piped up, and he turned to her, smiling gratefully. 

“Thanks, Paddy,” She grinned back at him, nodding. “It’s just something in my gut,”

“Oh boy, if I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s to trust when Steven Universe’s gut says no,” Steven rolled his eyes at him playfully. “Okay, what do you think we should do?” 

“Hm,” He looked around once more, the glint of one of the ship’s logs catching his eyes. He stepped carefully up to the screen, glancing over his shoulder at Lars. 

“We could write her a note!” He couldn’t help the stars coming to his eyes at his own idea, a brief memory of writing a love note to Jamie resurfacing in his mind. 

Lars looked amused, nodding towards the screen. “Alright, let’s write a letter. And here I thought I’d finally escaped English homework,” 

“Stop making references I don’t understand,” Rhodonite whined, but Steven was too preoccupied with typing to notice. 

“‘ _Dear Connie_ ,’” Lars read over his shoulder. “‘ _I figured out I can come through Lion’s mane to Lars’s head. The past is nice, you know about sword fighting, and apparently I just got almost-kidnapped into space. I think the sea spire is my best bet, but that would be underwater by now. On bad terms with the diamonds_ ,’” He paused, watching as Steven’s hand twitched a little. “‘ _The gems are wary of me, I talked with Amethyst but I don’t think Garnet trusts me. Lars_ ,’” Said boy chuckled a little at his name. “‘ _From the past, he knows about the situation because Lion took me to the Big Donut. I’m keeping a low profile, not very well but I’m trying, and I think I can sway Peridot into helping if we meet her. Staying spoiler-free and trying to be Steven-ish...this is Steven by the way_ ’. Dude, I think she knows it’s you,” 

“I’m clarifying,” Steven mumbled, adding a quick ‘ _I love you_ ’ to the end. “Okay, now that that’s done, can you update me with the whole ‘Qatar 423’ thing? Are these the gems who worked on the sea spire devices?”

Lars nodded, tapping a few buttons on the screen from behind Steven, saving the message. “Connie said it was your idea in the first place, and she’s trying her best to research on Earth. Younger Steven mentioned that there was just a lot of white light, so they sent Pearl to contact White, but we haven’t heard much from her since then. That was a few hours ago if the warping logs have anything to say about it,” Steven tried not to pace, instead placing a hand on his chin. 

“Okay, well maybe it has something to do with White from the past...she would probably try anything to get Pink Diamond back if she had the right devices. Is there anything about gem tech that can pull people through time?”

“Not that I’ve heard of, but that’s one of our questions for the gems,” 

“Thank you, for doing this, by the way,” Steven looked over to Lars, his heart feeling lighter when Lars smiled back at him, psh-ing at him.

“Of course, it’s the least I can do for the ‘Savior of the Universe’,” 

“Oh, you didn’t just pull the hero card on me,” 

“I will always pull the hero card on you, Universe,”

Steven’s cheeks hurt from how much he’d smiled in the past few moments, coming effortlessly. Things were looking up. He was communicating with Connie, he’d found a way to talk to Lars from the future, and he knew they were working to get this all figured out.

Things seemed like they were okay...until they weren’t. 

Lars’s words were floating around his head, and he felt his attitude drop from the joke. He wasn’t really the savior of anything. He’d messed up a lot, he’d fell apart a few years ago. He almost...he _did_ hurt people.

He...he wanted to be a good person but... _was he really_?

He felt his smile become more forced, his thoughts jumbling together, twisting in on themselves in an endless downward spiral.

_It was a joke_ , he reminded himself, looking at Lars but not seeing him. He was dissociating, the laughs of everyone around him slowly fading into background noise. 

What if he was sent to the past again? It was a possibility but...was he ready to go back? Was he ready to let everyone down with how _messed up_ he was? Was he prepared to act like everything was fine because he just _couldn’t_ worry anyone? Because he just _couldn’t_ ruin the timeline...he couldn’t ruin another thing. 

Was he ready to act like the Savior of the Universe? Was he ready to _save_ the Universe? 

No.

He wasn’t. He couldn’t do it again because he wasn’t the same.

He _had_ changed like past Lars said. Maybe it was bad, but if Steven had learned anything from therapy...from reliving his past even, it was that he was changed from all of his past experiences. He wasn’t ready to go back and try to pretend like he wasn’t affected by some of the most traumatic things that had happened to him. 

But was it his choice?

Steven felt sick, even more so when his smile slipped off his face altogether and Lars placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey man, you look like someone just murdered your puppy,”

“Why would someone murder a puppy?” Steven snapped out of his spiral, pouting at Lars with genuine confusion. 

“You tell me,” He gave Steven a look, to which he accepted, brushing a hand under his eyes, feeling his exhaustion under his fingertips. 

“I just got reminded of something…”

“Something?” He prompted, squeezing Steven’s shoulder reassuringly. 

“I’m scared,” He whispered, eyeing Rhodonite and Padparadscha as he confessed. Lars’s expression immediately changed, and he gripped his shoulder a little harder. 

“Steven…” 

“I don’t know if I’m gunna be able to handle it if I’m sent back again. I might...I dunno, but I really don’t wanna find out, Lars,” 

His expression was set, and Steven was a little frightened at how serious it was. “I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you don’t have to...I hate it that you’re going to be alone,” 

Steven felt a lump form in his throat. “Lars…” He laughed a little, taking his hand and gently lifting Lars’s hand away from him. “I’m not alone...just, it’s nice to know that you guys are out here helping...I feel useless? In the past I feel like I can’t _do_ anything,”

“You’re _surviving_ , that’s something,” Lars moved a hand to his hair, flipping it out of his eyes with joking flourish, lightening the mood. “Remember what you told me your therapist said?”

Steven furrowed his brows, sticking his hands into his pockets. “Dr. H said that...I should focus on the small things when something big is happening…” Lars encouraged him with a few nods. “She said that if nothing seems good I should simplify it,” He scrunched up his features for a second, then exhaled. “Thanks, Lars! I...I needed that,”

“Yeah, just don’t forget to go to someone if you get into a spiral...even if they’re in the past,”

Steven winced slightly, taking another shaky breath. “They wouldn’t understand,”

“Then _make_ them,” Lars huffed, crossing his arms. “You’re important to them, so they’ll want to help, so make them listen to you when you need it,” 

“What if _I’m_ the problem,” Steven began chewing on his lip again. “They don’t want me, they want _their_ Steven. They don’t know me! I can’t just…” 

“Steven...if they don’t want you then I’m afraid that they have to suck it up,” That got an unexpected laugh from him, and he looked back up at Lars, watching as he rolled his eyes. “Literally, this is some messed up shit, they’re stuck with you until we figure it out,” 

“Harsh,” 

“Eh, that’s my specialty,” Lars shifted awkwardly for another second, and Steven smiled awkwardly at the ground. “Dude...uh...do you wanna like...bro-hug it out?”

Steven looked up slowly, trying to ignore the twisting of his stomach, instead focusing on the terrible joke. “Toxic masculinity isn’t a joke, Lars,” 

“Just...hug me Steven, I’m asking for a hug!”

He laughed softly, taking a step forward to accept the hug, but something happened. Before his foot hit the ground, everything slowed down for a second. He looked up with panicked eyes at Lars.

He wasn’t ready, he wasn’t _ready_ , _he wasn’t ready!_

And then he was gone. 

Steven hit the ground, something harder than sand this time. He fell to his knees due to the surprise, hugging himself as he curled inwards. 

“Steven?”

Then everything went to static. 


	9. I'd Rather Be Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the scariest thing is your own mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be angsty guys! I can, watch me, I totally can! Instead of actually sleeping or doing work, I've procrastinated by writing about Steven sleeping. Yay! Anyways, this chapter had been an idea in my head for a really long time (a few weeks, I know, v e r y long), so I was really excited to finally type it all out. I texted my friend in the depths of early morning maybe a week ago that I had a brilliant idea, and I managed to spit out the basic summary of this chapter and they got really concerned. Anyways, I just find all the dream episodes in the show really cool, and I was especially inspired by the one where he dreams about Lapis when she was fused as Malachite (much angst, very emo boi). I've also been dying to incorporate the fact that Steven can project his dreams/thoughts onto TVs and phones and junk--it's just such a fun idea to me! Okay, I'm done ranting for this week. Comment if you want to! I love reading the comments, and feel free to ask questions or correct my mistakes or just generally vibe. OH! Guys, I made a Tumblr blog dedicated to this story, so check that out (I've made several memes about the making of this chapter/this chapter in general). You can check out my memes or ask me questions there as well (@imgoingtotraumatizesteeb) (Plus my other Tumblr is @thatonedudeinthecorner, that's just memes about me and a lot about Spider-Man sooooo). Okay, until next chapter folks!!!

Steven was lost. 

When he’d mustered up the strength to open his eyes, all he was met with was darkness.  _ Maybe his brain was playing tricks on him _ ? He shut his eyes tight again, then once again repeated the steps of dragging his eyelids up. 

Nothing. 

He could feel the cold surface of the ground beneath his hands, but even that couldn’t reassure him of up and down, left and right. 

He was trapped in eerie darkness. 

He pushed himself into a sitting position, squinting ahead of him. There was still nothing, for miles. Endlessly. He let out a shaky breath, his blood rushing in his ears. Where was he? He’d found a way back to Lars, was about to hug him, and then…

Was he back in the past? Was...was he  _ alive _ ? 

He shook the thought out of his head, of  _ course  _ he was. He was breathing, albeit a little harshly. He crawled to his hands and knees, catching his breath there as he stared at his hands. He could see himself perfectly, but nothing else was there. His palms were pressed on an invisible surface, one layered in blackness and cold. 

He lifted his head, stumbling to his feet. His feet (with his flip flops nowhere to be seen) prickled uncomfortably against the low-temperature surface, his toes curling in irritation. He forced himself to inhale deeply, spinning in a circle, trying desperately to find  _ something _ .  _ Anything _ , really. 

He came up empty again, stopping in what he could only guess was the original direction he was looking in. 

He risked his voice. “Hello?” It echoed away from him, fading into the darkness, going further and further until...silence, again. Well, that was that. Steven made up his mind, clenching his jaw, and squaring his shoulder. 

He took one last glance around, being met with nothingness again, then began walking. It didn’t really matter where to, but he tried to keep from wandering away from a straight line. His feet protested with each icy step he took, but he ignored it, keeping his eyes open for any sort of color besides black. 

Eventually, his wish was granted. His own voice assaulted him, a gust of wind coming with it, forcing his eyes shut. It was the simple hello he had produced minutes before, the last syllable drowned with uncertainty. He tried to open his eyes again but was forced to close them, a pink light in front of him hurting his vision, which had just begun to adjust to the endless darkness. 

“Hi,” A smaller voice appeared, and he blinked rapidly, trying to make out the figure through his blurry vision. Slowly but surely, the pink light dimmed, and he was greeted with...himself? It looked just like the younger him from earlier, an unblinking stare focused on his face with scary precision. 

“You’re....me?” Words felt foreign on Steven’s tongue, but he forced through the numbness of his mouth. “Is this some sort of dream connection thing? Can you tell me about what’s happening in the future? Is everything okay? How did you…” The smaller him continued to look at him with blank simplicity. “Are you okay?”

“Well, you aren’t, obviously,” The other Steven tilted his head at him, a sort of harshness overcoming his features. “You wouldn’t be hallucinating this if you were,”

“What--”

“You’re not okay, Steven, and that’s why you’re in this mess in the first place,”

“Hey,” He felt his cheeks warm, and he wet his lips. “This whole thing isn’t my fault, it’s just…”

“Just what?” The Steven lifted a single brow at him, but he didn’t have an answer for him. “You’ve done something so incredibly wrong, that even your own timeline doesn’t want you,”

“That’s not true, t-that’s not…”

“Then why are you thinking it?” His mouth went dry, and Steven found that he couldn’t tear his gaze away from his younger reflection. As it turned out, he didn’t have to, and the smaller figure smiled at him humorlessly, then disappeared, being blown away into the nothingness. 

“I…” He stared at emptiness, his stomach churning with something familiar, yet empty. “I wasn’t,”

“Well, now you’re just lying to yourself,” He whipped around at the voice, covering his eyes with a hand when he was assaulted with pink again. It was one he had only heard in videos, and once when he’d gone inside Pearl’s memories. His vision adjusted, and he was staring at a white dress, not daring to lift his gaze from the floor. “Steven,”

He felt his eyes sting, and he shut them quickly. “What?” He whispered, shrinking in on himself. 

“Steven, I wanted to experience humanity so badly, and you were my gate...my way to contribute to this world’s beauty,” He didn’t trust himself enough to open his eyes, so he just breathed out slowly, hating the way it hitched.

“I know, I’ve heard this before in the tape you left me--”

“It’s such a shame that you ruined that,” His heart caught in his throat, and he felt all of the air leave his lungs. He opened his eyes, blinking away the wetness as he lifted his head, coming face to face with the cold elegance that was Rose Quartz. Her chin was tilted up, in a way that made Steven feel even smaller, her gaze piercing. Her lips were twisted in an awful frown, one he’d never seen before. “You’re not even human, Steven,” Her once soothing voice felt like a punch to the gut. “You’re even lying to yourself about that,”

“I’m  _ not _ ,” He managed, choking on the rest of his protests.  _ You’re a fraud _ . No, no he wasn’t. He didn’t claim to be anything more than he was. He didn’t claim to be good, he didn’t…

Rose’s form flickered for a moment as if her form was outlined with tv static. Her eyes flickered from cold ebony to bright pink, the pupils changing to...diamonds. “You’re lying to yourself, Steven. Even the gems know you are,”

“That’s not true!” He bit back the harsher remark about how she knows all about lying. “I’m not...I’m not claiming to be anything!  _ I’m not you! _ ” The ground shook, and he took a step back, staring at the cracks that appeared, spreading from right below his toes. Small fixtures cracking outwards, like glass. 

“Oh, but aren’t you so afraid of being me?” He ignored her voice, noticing the pink glow emitting in front of him. He feared what he’d find when he looked up. “I’m a  _ liar _ ,” His own voice, younger and  _ hurt _ layered behind the word. “I hurt a lot of people, Steven. Oh, but what about you?” He flinched. 

“I’m...I’m not afraid of being you,” He whispered, feeling the pressure building up behind his eyes. 

“Of course not,” He closed his eyes, letting her voice pick away at him, holding back the wave of emotions standing at the edge of his tongue. “Why would you be afraid of something that you’ve already become?” 

The black shifted to pink quickly, and Steven scrambled back, trying to ignore the way the ground seemed to crack beneath him. Everything was bright for a second, then the darkness returned. 

“It’s not true,” He sank to his knees, pressing his palms against his eyelids. In his rush to get away from the pink, he’d caught a glimpse of the figure in front of him. 

Pink Diamond towered over him, her long strides echoed along the floor. He waited for her to speak, but at the moment she seemed disinterested. He watched as his view of her shoes suddenly became her knees. She was kneeling in front of him, a gloved hand slowly reaching out towards his chin. 

He flinched away from the touch, looking away. 

“But Steven,” Her voice was laced with false reassurance, and he blinked back tears. “You’ve already hurt so many people. So many gems. How are you any different from me?” He let her push his chin up so he was looking into her face. 

“I’m not denying that-that I’ve done some bad things,” He forced out, watching as the emptiness filled up with visions of his past. When he crashed the van, when he yelled at Volleyball, when he...the whole incident with Jasper. Everything flitted through the emptiness, then it was replaced with pink again, pulsing brightly for a moment before turning back to darkness again. A single tear slipped down his cheek. “I’m not you, though,” 

“Oh?” Her form flickered again, the gloved hand switching between Pink’s and Rose’s, fast enough that it made his head pound. 

“I know I’m me. I’ve always been me!” 

“And who is that?” A voice boomed from behind him. Pink smiled down on Steven sadly, then she faced the same fate as younger Steven, fading into nothing.

Steven stayed where he was for a second, sitting back on his heels heavily. He couldn’t stop the tears from falling down his face this time, but even in his weakened state, he had enough sense to not turn around. 

“Not everyone knows who they are, everyone grows and changes,” He mumbled through the thickness in his throat. His chest felt heavy, and he shut his eyes again when he heard footsteps. 

“But Steven, how can you say you’re any better than her when you don’t know that yourself?” A soft pink glow was pushing against his eyelids, and Steven managed the strength to pry them open. 

It was himself, completely pink, but it was him. The same voice, same shirt, same expression. Well, except for his eyes, of course, which were bright neon diamonds. 

“I didn’t...I’m  _ not _ ,” Steven felt his face get hot again, a fresh wave of tears dripping from his chin. “I’ve never...it’s not true…”

“Oh Steven,” He hated the look he was giving himself. “Why does it hurt so much? Why does it make you feel so bad?” 

Steven felt completely numb, and he could do no more than shake his head sadly at himself. 

“Unless, of course,” The other him seemed to contemplate it for a second, his eyes glowing brighter when he smiled cruelly towards Steven. “Unless it’s true.” 

That’s when the ground shattered beneath him. 

Steven woke up feeling like he was screaming, except no sound came out. He panted for a second, quickly coming aware of the tears streaming down his face in a steady fashion. 

He regained his bearings, looking around wildly. He was back at the Beach House. Not the Beach House he was familiar with, but instead the one of his childhood. He was on the higher floor, recognizing the sheets and blanket as the ones he’d left to Greg when he’d moved out. To his right was the kitchen, all of the lights off, the house completely silent aside from the waves outside. To his left again confirmed that it was night, the windows shrouded with darkness, the moon shining brightly through a few clouds. 

That’s when Steven became aware of the ringing. 

“ _ I’m a liar _ ,”

“ _ You’re lying to yourself, Steven _ ,”

“ _ Why would you be afraid of something that you’ve already become? _ ”

“ _ Why does it hurt so much? _ ”

“ _ It’s such a shame that you ruined that _ ,”

“ _ Why does it make you feel so bad? _ ” 

“ _ You’ve already hurt so many people _ ,”

“ **_Unless it’s true._ ** ”

Steven didn’t realize he had jumped out of bed until he was in front of the screen, turning it off with a far too vigorous shove of the button. He raced towards the wall without a second thought, unplugging the tv for good measure.

He stood there, panting for a second as he stared at the cord in his hand, tears still sliding down his cheeks. 

“You  _ know _ ...” A small voice announced from behind him, and Steven whirled around, dropping the plug in his surprise. 

In his hurry to stop his dream from replaying on the television, he had failed to notice the thin figure sitting at the edge of the bed. He had failed to notice the haunted face of Pearl, the same one that greeted him currently. She had her hands pressed tightly to her lips, only lowering them to say the simple words. 

Steven was frozen in place, too stunned to move. 

_ What had he done?  _


	10. Some sort of Think Chamber

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven does a good old fashion bathtub cry, only to be confronted by Pearl with questions that he doesn't have the answers to. And Steven does what he does best--avoids his own feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick update! Oh hell yeah! I was just too pumped up not to write this one, I was in the whole angst zone place. The bad place, the place with many, many different ways to say "he wiped his eyes". I really just want to bring Greg into the story, and guys...I'm writing this, so it's going to happen. Whenever I make the next update, ITS GOING TO HAPPEN!! Maybe, I dunno. I needed a Pearl relationship that wasn't overwhelmingly motherly, which is where her core traits are usually centered around in the fandom. I think, especially this early in the show, she's still so tied up with Rose Quartz and Pink...I feel like she'd temporarily ignore Steven to feel bitter about his mom. I don't know, it might just be me. Anyways, I've been listening to sad music for the past like three hours (minus the Mamma Mia break) (btw, everyone needs to listen to Ben Platt's new song 'So Will I' immediately, it's my new hyperfixation, sue me). Okay, I'm done with my rant. Comment if you want to, I love comments! And feel free to ask questions, or correct me on shit I've done wrong. Or right. A wink wonk. Okay, guys, I have a Tumblr for this story, so you can check that out (@imgoingtotraumatizesteeb), I've already made a meme about this chapter (so those are like spoilers for the chapters in progress...but in meme format). Feel free to ask me questions there, too, I'm always free to talk and word vomit about this story! (Also my other Tumblr @thatonedudeinthecorner is just about my life and other fandom junk I'm a part of). Okay! I've talked for long enough, until next chapter, adios!!

Steven doesn’t think he’s sprinted as fast as he just did without his powers in at least a year. 

There was the whole incident with the raccoon, but even then Steven wasn’t really scared, he was more upset that his new friend was only using him for food. 

The entire situation was rattling something loose in his memory, something that he’d tried really hard to repress. It was the urge to run, fearing for his life. 

Somewhere deep down he knew his life wasn’t in danger, necessarily. (Well, you could never tell with Pearl, he almost died that one time when they’d found Rose’s scabbard...but he digressed). There was adrenaline coursing through his veins from the nightmare, then from rushing straight from there to turn the tv off, then noticing Pearl. 

Among it all, his brain was too foggy to make rational decisions, and he let his formerly lost instincts kick in. 

Which is how he ended up in this situation. Curled up in the bathtub. In the bathroom. 

What had Peridot called it years before?  _ A think chamber _ ? Yeah, that felt pretty appropriate at the moment. 

He’d already spent a few moments wallowing in his own stupidity at not immediately going to the door. It didn’t help at all, but it made him feel slightly better, turning the entire thing into something more comical...with just a dash of self-deprecation. 

Pearl hadn’t come after him yet, so Steven was guessing that he would be safe from Garnet and Amethyst, too (good, he didn’t want to have to sit on a towel in front of the door). In simple terms, Steven had messed up. He had messed up bad. 

Well, in logical terms, it wasn’t him who’d screwed it, it was his subconscious. His stupid subconscious who took any opportunity possible to expose his broken mental state. And that tied into his gem powers, which were always iffy with him. 

He scrubbed a hand over his face, giving up eventually when he realized he wasn’t done crying yet. 

Pearl knew. 

She knew that he knew about Pink...she knew that he knew that she knew about--stop, take a breath. 

He closed his eyes, his chest shuddering with every breath he took. He was too tired to try and stop the small sob that escaped, bouncing around the walls of the bathroom. 

Thinking better of it, he buried his face into his arms, jacket nowhere to be found. He was sort of in a rush when he woke up, so he didn’t have time to check where it went, but cut him some slack. He was also barefoot, wiggling his toes against the cold tub. 

He was just glad no one had used the shower that day, it would’ve been yet another disappointment if he had to cower in a wet bathtub. He at least maintained some of his dignity. Well, he was hiding in a bathtub...minimal dignity saved. 

He could only imagine how Pearl was taking this. She had been torn up even when she’d told him the secret on her own terms. She was probably overwhelmed and confused as to how much he knew and conflicted because she was probably still loyal to Pink Diamonds request, and...and

And how was  _ he  _ taking it? Steven couldn’t help but hear Dr. H in his head, scolding him for reverting to his old ways, fussing over what others were feeling when he was in the same position. He couldn’t help it, the last time he was crying in his old bathtub was the morning of Garnet’s wedding.  Well, he’d shower-cried plenty after his whole breakdown two years prior, but that wasn’t a  _ tub _ cry. That was when he’d gotten himself worked up, ignoring it all and hyping himself up with a little song. 

He was still getting pink flashes beneath his eyelids, and he managed to drag his eyes open again, hating the way exhaustion began to creep its way back into his bones with every gasp he managed. He needed to calm down, freaking out over a nightmare would only exhaust him more, and sleep was kinda the issue at the moment. 

Not only had Pearl found out about him knowing, but that also meant she saw, well,  _ everything _ . 

How he ridiculed himself in his dream, confessed some of his deepest insecurities about Rose and Pink, and how his own gem knew he was a  _ fraud _ —deep inhale. He ignored the burn in his throat, steadying himself by leaning further on the edge of the tub, never lifting his head further than his knees. Exhale. 

He closed his eyes for another few seconds, trying to stop the beads of sweat trickling down his neck and forehead. He was okay, he was safe. It was just a dream, a dream full of...insecurities. He couldn’t bring himself to say it was a lie, not even think it. 

What if it was all true? 

What if he was just lying to himself about any progress that he’d made in his mental health? 

What if...what if going to the past meant he was just slowly forgetting everything he’d learned in the future? 

What if—

“Steven?” There was a knock at the door, and he started up, his head moving at an uncomfortable angle with the sudden jerking motion. It was Pearl’s voice, shaking very slightly as she paused. He could practically feel her hand hesitating on the door. “Steven, I didn’t mean to...are you okay?” 

He didn’t trust his voice. He didn’t trust himself to do anything either, so he tried to swallow back the thickness in his throat. “I’m fine,” He managed to sound a lot more lighthearted than he felt, feeling another wave of tears roll down his cheeks. “Just...bad dreams. I’m good,” Well now he was just ignoring his own feelings. Bad Steven, remember what we learned! 

“Steven,” There was an edge to her voice, almost scolding. “I saw everything on the television. You can't lie,” Another pause. “We need to talk about this,” 

He didn’t want to talk. He wanted to cry in the comfort of the icy bathtub, never to be seen or bothered ever again. “It was just a bad dream,” He insisted, curling even further into himself, letting out a slow exhale as to not sob again. 

“Steven..” She was desperate now. “There was a...lot, a lot in that  _ dream _ . How often have you been having these dreams? Steven, this doesn’t seem very...healthy,” 

Yeah, no duh. He couldn’t be mean to her, she was just trying to help. He just...needed space. But that was bad, he needed to stop running. He needed...inhale, hold, exhale. “Pearl?” He hated how weak he sounded. 

“Yes, I’m here Steven,” He didn’t hate how the warmth of her words seeped into him, though. 

“I’m so...” He gripped his arms tightly, tight enough that the indents of his fingernails began to draw blood. He loosened his hold, rubbing his face instead. “I’m so tired,” 

“Oh,  _ Steven _ ,” 

“I don’t know what to do,” He whispered, the hoarseness returning to his throat despite his efforts to avoid it. “These dreams aren’t a part of my control, I’m so... _ afraid _ , I’m scared that if I sleep something might go wrong again...I didn’t want to hurt you,” He couldn’t hold back the sob this time, cringing as it echoed around the small space. 

“Steven,” Pearl’s voice shook as much as his, but he felt the commanding force behind it. Same old Pearl. “Open this door right now,” 

He froze. He didn’t expect her to be so... _ demanding _ ? Maybe it was the way she said it, but he had a hard time resisting rushing over to follow her order. Instead, he stared at the blood dripping down his arms, sacrificing disobedience for her piece of mind. 

“Pearl I...I don’t really want anyone to see my right now,” He leaned his head back, hitting the wall soundlessly. “ _ You _ don’t want to see me right now.” 

“Open. The door.” He flinched, scooting further behind the shower curtain, which was only partially drawn forward. He was about to deny her request when the door creaked for a moment, then began to open.  _ What _ ? He was sure he had locked it, unless...oh boy, Pearl definitely just broke the doorknob. Why was he so  _ stupid _ as to not remember that she had like  _ zero _ chill? And apparently a grudge against doors. “Steven?” She hadn’t spotted him yet, which gave him a few more seconds to scrunch his eyes shut and silently cry. “...Steven, are you in the bathtub?” 

“No,” He sniffled, quickly swiping his hands under his eyes and cheeks as he heard her quick footsteps across the room. The curtain was drawn back in a single fluid motion, which left him exposed, chin on knees, hugging himself in the bathtub as he avoided eye contact with Pearl. “...Maybe,” He added when she took a step back in surprise. 

“Steven…” Her hands went to her mouth as she was about to say something, and he hid his face behind his arms even further. She’d probably never seen  _ her _ Steven look like such a trainwreck. 

“I’m fine,” He spat out, though it sounded all muffled and bitter. “I’m not…” He squeezed his eyes shut, letting a little more blood drip from his arms to his jeans. “You don’t know me...you don’t have to take care of me, either. I’ve messed up so much...you weren’t supposed to know that...I know,” 

A cold hand on his elbow startled him to open his eyes again, shifting away from the touch. Pearl was crouched next to the side of the tub, a washcloth in her grip as she stared at him with nothing but kindness. It made something uncomfortable settling in his stomach, the look often associated with pity. 

“I do know you, Steven,” She worked slowly, carefully soaking up the dripping blood that had continued to slide down his forearms. “It was wrong of me to leave you for…”

“It’s okay,” She looked up, startled at the earnest look he was giving her, still wary of her delicate hands. “You knew her just as well as you think you know me,” He followed it with a half-smile, glad that his tears were finally seeming to slow down. Pearl, on the other hand, was just beginning. 

“Oh Steven,” She wailed, causing him to wince at the loud echo that followed. “I wanted to tell you so badly, even now, and the other gems! But, I just, I couldn’t…”

“I know,” She dropped the cloth in favor of clasping her mouth shut again, an old habit that she’d gotten better at in the future. “I went through your head...to find your phone, I think,” He felt himself try to force something similar to a laugh, but it was more of a wheeze. “Earth was her colony. She realized what she would do to the planet and she just...couldn’t do it. When she pleaded with Blue and Yellow...then there was the whole war. And then the Diamonds...well, after she faked her shattering with you…” He trailed off, shrugging as he went to retrieve the washcloth from where it fell near his feet. 

When he sat back up, Pearl was looking at him with shining eyes, her eyebrows conveying such complicated emotions, but most of all, she looked...relieved. 

“I’m so glad you told me…” A few tears slipped down her cheeks, and Steven couldn’t help but feel a little bitter. He certainly wished she hadn’t. “I’m so glad I managed to tell  _ you _ ,” 

“Yeah,” He said instead, picking at a loose string on the old cloth, ignoring how it was stained red. “Yeah, it made things…” Memories rushed through his mind--of when Garnet broke apart, when the house was destroyed, when Yellow stomped on him, when White ripped... _ breathe _ , he reminded himself. “It was a good thing to know,” He managed lamely. Pearl watched him for a moment as she wept, reaching out as if to comfort him, but then drew back. 

“What happened?” She said, at last, almost breathlessly. He set the cloth down on the side of the tub, avoiding her eyes. 

“You’ll have to be a bit more specific about that one,” He was feeling antsy, with her gaze on him, unblinking. He felt like he needed to get out of there. He needed air, he needed to breathe. He needed to just  _ get away _ —

He stood abruptly, wobbling on his feet for a second. Pearl jumped back, almost falling from her spot on the edge of the bath. “Where are you—” He’d already managed to hop out of the bathtub, making his way across the room with rapid steps, ignoring as the scratches on his arms began to drip down to his hands. He stood by the door for a moment, his eyes stinging again, but he shouldered through it, breathing heavily. 

“I need...I’m going on a walk,” He stared down at his hands as he turned around, rushing through the doorway just as Pearl stood up. She followed him into the kitchen, where he failed to notice Amethyst sitting on a stool (eating who knows what), instead focused on finding his shoes. 

“Steven,” Pearl called, an edge to her voice. Amethyst was watching all of this, sitting up straighter as soon as she realized the tears streaming down both of their faces. “Steven, you can’t keep walking away from a serious discussion!”

He gave up on finding his shoes, turning around desperately, his back to the door. “Pearl, you don’t  _ understand _ —”

“Steven, I understand more than anyone else could!”

“Don’t!” He squeezed his eyes shut, letting out a shaky exhale as he tried to lower his voice. Pearl was there to greet him when he opened his eyes, moving to around the same distance Amethyst was at, her mouth open to protest. “I  _ can’t _ ...listen to me, I can’t deal with this,” He pressed his hands against his face, stepping even further away from them. 

The two gems exchanged a glance, Amethyst shrugging helplessly, not knowing the extent of the situation. Steven was more focused on keeping his emotions in check, keeping what Lars said in mind.  _ Make them understand _ . “I can’t do this. I can’t relive every horrible thing that’s ever happened to me. Even when Spinel came and I had to start over, it wasn’t the  _ beginning _ !” He ripped his hands from his face, swinging them out in a wide gesture, forcing them gems to take a step back. 

“Steven—”

“You can’t just expect me to be the same,” He cried, gripping at his hair in frustration. “I’m  _ not _ ! You think you know me because you did, but I’ve been through so much, and you’re ignorant to all of it! I thought I was going to be okay,” He couldn’t help the tears streaming down his face, moving one hand from his head to his shirt. “I thought we could all work through this together, just like old times...oh stars, I was so close to feeling okay! And…” He looked up at the gems, who were staring at him in a mixture of fear and concern, Amethyst mimicking the earlier expression of Pearl when she saw him in the bathroom. “And I messed it up,” His voice was light, washing over the room as his stomach churned. Slowly, the words seemed to reach the gems, both of their expressions morphing into ones of horror.

“No no no!” Pearl reassured, looking quickly to Amethyst for assistance.

“Steve-o! You’re doing nothing wrong! I don’t know what all of this is about—” She received a scolding look from Pearl in return. “Let’s just talk about all of this!” 

Steven was too busy spiraling, a similar confrontation from a few years ago flitting across his mind. That was when he’d cracked the windows, when he’d crashed the van. When he ran, and then Jasper…

“I’m so  _ stupid _ ,” He whipped his head around, coming face to face with none other than Rose Quartz, her eyes closed, a calm smile on his face. It was mocking him, she had no right to hang above him like that...like she was better. Amethyst took a step forward as if to argue with him, but Steven already took a step forward, turning around to face the door. “I know this must be good for you Pearl, that you aren’t alone...but there’s...I have a lot of baggage because of her,” The two of them turned their gazes from Steven, following his eyes as they stared at the painting. 

“What do you…?”

“I’m not my mom,” He said, his voice low, shocking both of them again. “I thought maybe…” He laughed bitterly, blood dripping from his fingertips to the wood beneath him. “But I’m not,”

“How can you be so sure?” Amethyst laughed uncertainly, her eyes going to the dripping liquid pooling by his heel. “I mean, there’s always a part of Rose with us...right?” She turned to Pearl, who was still looking at the painting. “Right? Steven...what do you mean?”

“My gem was ripped out of me,” He whispered, startling Pearl out of her trance, and Amethyst snapped her gaze back to him. “She wanted someone else. She wanted Pink. She wanted for the game to end,” He turned back to Pearl, his gaze hollow, eyes rimmed red. Amethyst felt something cold settled within her. She hated the way Steven looked, she hated the emptiness in his eyes. “It was me. It was just me. There was my gem, then there was the human in me. He was weak...I think my gem is the only thing holding my bones together after how many times they’ve shattered. Without it…” 

“Dude, you’re scaring me,” Amethyst tried, keeping her voice from cracking, hoping that he would move his unblinking gaze from Pearl. One of his eyes flickered shut, a tear sliding down his cheek. 

“I wasn’t what she wanted...and I’m not what you want either. All of you. You’re missing something, and I just can’t make the cut,” He flickered his gaze between Pearl and Amethyst for a second, feeling bitterness take over. In trying to mask his anger and sadness, something far worse, something  _ darker  _ had been revealed. “I’m not Rose Quartz,” Pearl sucked in a breath through her teeth, and he seemed to realize his fingers were wet, looking down at them in surprise. “I’m not what you guys want,” 

“That’s not true,” But he was already gone, leaving Amethyst’s words to die in her throat. As soon as his foot hit the deck outside, he was gone, a blast of air the only sign that he left. Pearl stared at the small puddle of blood on the ground, letting Amethyst rush past her to go outside, the door flying closed behind her. 

“Steven!” She looked up, but he was nowhere to be seen. “Steven come back! We can talk about this! You’re perfect just the way you are!” Her words caught in her throat, her conversation with him resurfacing. “We were supposed to do this together…”

Pearl only looked up when a heavy hand fell on her shoulder. She turned, her trembling lip reflecting off of Garnet’s visors. The taller gem was giving her an unreadable expression, her lips pulled into a scowl. 

“What happened?” Her tone left no room for the endless blabbering Pearl wanted nothing more than to produce. 

“He’s gone,” She forced, her voice shaking worse than her frame. “He’s gone Garnet, he doesn’t think we want him,”

“Well,” The fusion looked past the thin gem, towards the screen where Amethyst was pacing, her face turned to the sky. “We have to find him, obviously, and prove him wrong.” 


	11. Let Me Drive My Van into Your Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven has some time to self reflect, and then he has time to talk about it all with someone he knows he can trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly my only idea for this chapter was just "Greg" so I'm glad I actually managed to finish it. But anyways, GREG! I love Greg as a character and I feel like he always manages to talk Steven down in his weird wise dad-ish ways. Although I was pissed at him for how he handled everything in future, I think Steven can still give him credit for trying once he's gotten out of the worst of it all, and besides all of that he still loves his dad. (Don't judge me I do what I want and I wanted G r e g). Comment if you guys want to, I love talking in the comments and I love hearing from everyone reading (it's always so fun!), and if you don't that's also fine. Again, I have a Tumblr where I make memes specifically about this story and everything, so feel free to check all of that out and feel free to ask me questions/talk to me there too (@imgoingtotraumatizesteeb) (I also have another Tumblr about other fandoms and random shit that I do--currently fixated on ALTA, @thatonedudeinthecorner). Until next chapter, byeeeeee!!!

Steven didn’t realize how long he was gone until the sun came up, startling him out of his listless trance. 

He’d quickly camped out at the top of the lighthouse but then decided better of it, picking one place he knew was well used as a running away refuge: the barn. 

He’d once seen Lapis sitting on top of the silo after she’d tried to flee Earth when she’d woken up after the whole cluster incident, and it seemed like as good a place as any to think. 

Well,  _ think _ was one word for what Steven was doing, another word could be  _ hide _ or even  _ breakdown _ . 

Was it wise of him to have run away? Now that he was alone and somewhat calmed down, the answer had been narrowed down to a probably not. 

Should he have gone back by now? Again, with how long he’d mulled over it, he decided that his brash decision to just up and ditch was not his biggest moment of intellect, and once again the answer was pretty clear:  _ uh duh _ . 

But what was really stumping Steven was the question of if he was going to actually listen to his more logical side. The gems would probably forgive him. Sure there would be a very long, very emotional conversation that he wasn’t in the right headspace for, but he doubted they’d be  _ that _ mad. He’d be scolded, then probably comforted (unless they turned him away to comfort themselves, like they’d done many times in the past, except this time Steven doubted he would go after them to put them back together), and then they would work together to solve the whole time travel thing. 

Hopefully. 

It could go terribly wrong, his whole bitter rant might’ve revealed too much about what would happen in the future, and then the big pink elephant in the room would be addressed, and they’d shun Steven even further, and then he would be stuck out here at the barn for good...or until Connie and past him figured out a way to get him back. Maybe running was a good idea.

No, no no no. He’d spiraled again. He’d convinced himself to sit on the silo for another ten minutes because there was a slight chance that things wouldn’t go smoothly. When have things  _ ever _ gone smoothly, though? 

If he was being honest with himself, he was more afraid of them comforting him than he was of them shunning him. 

It was stupid, and he was working on his self-esteem, but was it really the best option for him to go back? 

He’d already spilled a lot of trauma to Pearl, or his weird dream television power had, and he’d shouted at Amethyst and Pearl about a lot of frankly  _ private _ things. He hadn’t even managed to tell the future crystal gems about the whole “White Diamond ripped my gem out of my body” thing, just like how he’d kept their whole test sham a secret. He was working on building the courage to scold them for doing that, and share that experience that he and Connie had to endure (they were all there, but they didn’t remember anything because of the whole mind control thing White did, so it was just him and Connie who were scarred). 

Yet...maybe he didn’t  _ want _ to tell them. Sure, it really affected him, but they couldn’t have done anything, and the Diamonds had changed so much, so would it really  _ do _ anything? 

Again with the excuses, he shook his head, trying to clear his brain. He can’t keep making excuses for other people who were in the wrong. That’s what led to toxic relationships, especially if he kept tolerating such harmful behavior, especially if he continued to ignore his own feelings and not express his hurt to the other party. The party that was in the wrong in most, no,  _ all _ of these situations. He couldn’t keep putting in all the work to forgive when they didn’t even know they had to be forgiven. 

Dang, maybe Dr. H was actually teaching him something. 

Steven was still sitting on the silo when a familiar pink portal opened in front of the barn doors. 

Steven was confused at first, hearing the whirring before he saw anything, but then dread crawled it’s way up his throat, forcing him to duck down even further, sliding his way to the other side of the silo for better cover. He might have left some semi-bloody handprints on the roof, but that probably shouldn’t matter. 

Honestly, Steven was too tired to care by now. If Lion was going to find him first, so be it. At least the pink feline probably wouldn’t judge the shoeless, rumpled looking teen with bags under his eyes and dried blood on his arms and pants. Maybe Lion was just here to bother him for food, and once he realized how pathetic Steven looked (and that he was snack-less), he would leave. 

He could only hope. 

Steven was wrong, though, as he seemed to be a lot lately, and when Lion appeared, he came with guests. Or Steven guessed, ducking even further along the side as soon as he heard voices. 

“What do you think he meant, that he just disappeared?” That was definitely Pearl.

“Well, we’ve seen Steven do some freaky stuff with Lion’s mane before, why not disappear inside of it?” And Amethyst. 

Pearl was probably looking at Lion skeptically. “But Steven said  _ ‘his way home _ ’. He did end up at the Beach House later, but that was when he collapsed after what appeared to be another time travel jump,” She paused, and Steven held his breath. “You don’t think…”

“Steven obviously has some connection between Lion and his own time. Lion has always eluded the laws that we previously knew to be magic,” Steven paled at Garnet’s voice, sinking further into the cold metal, scratching at his dried blood nervously. If Garnet was here, he was already figured out. Unless, of course, he had acted so unpredictably that it threw her vision off. That was unlikely, though. “Steven knew something from the future that bridged a gap between our times briefly, but whatever this time paradox is, it clearly isn’t finished with Steven,”

“You can’t possibly be saying that Lion is some...some sort of powerful being that defies the laws of time and space!” Steven thought it was ironic at how Pearl was reacting, especially when Lion was exactly that. 

“Why not,” There was Garnet’s usual ominous comment. “Lion has always had a connection with Steven. And this Steven is out of his time. Why shouldn’t Lion have some of those abilities? He always seems to help Steven, why would he not help him if he was from the future?” 

Everyone was silent for a moment, then Amethyst blew out a sharp breath between her teeth. “Damn, Lions been holding out on us,” 

He heard a soft grumble of agreement from said feline, which was almost enough to make him giggle. Almost. 

“Lion thinks that Steven is here. We should trust him. Let’s search the barn first, Steven would want someplace secluded...probably someplace with a lot of cover if he was truly upset,” 

“He did pick the bathtub first, he must be in some tight space,” Pearl agreed, and Amethyst mumbled something in agreement. Steven looked around him, almost realizing how exposed he was. 

Did he really have a habit of choosing tight spaces? He thought the bathtub was just an accident...maybe he had a habit of hiding when he needed to break down. Maybe he’d always picked the dark corner. 

Well, this time he’d gone completely wild--when he’d first spotted the silo he’d gotten a sort of tunnel vision driven by past memories. At least that sudden change in his luck would buy him some time to think more. 

But what was there to think about? He’d had a bad dream, spilled his Pink secret to Pearl, and then exploded at her and Amethyst about his own insecurities. 

Oh man, what if they never forgave him? 

What if they knew he was right and were only here because Garnet hadn’t heard it from him yet? 

What if as soon as they found him, they’d just look at him with pity and then leave him to himself, knowing he was too messed up to help? 

What if—

“Schtu-Ball?” A soft voice echoed up towards him. Steven froze, risking a glance over the side of the silo. In his self absorbed pity party, he’d failed to notice the approaching van of none other than Greg Universe, the same Greg Universe who was standing near the bottom of the grain silo, looking around cautiously as he called out to him. So the gems had told his dad on him, very mature. “Steven, I know this is uh, really difficult, but the gems didn’t give me a lot to work with here. I want to help but...I can’t do that if you won’t come out and talk to me,”

Steven scooted back a little, curling his knees to his chest as he mulled over Greg’s words. In the future, his dad always had a way with speeches, even when he didn’t always know the right thing to say. He tried really hard to understand, but sometimes his understanding fell short, and it ended up hurting Steven. But...he was his dad, right? He needed to let go of his weird grudge and talk to someone who  _ wanted _ to know...or,  _ thought _ he did. 

With one last exhale, Steven looked quickly over his shoulder, then leaned forward again. “Hey Dad,” He whispered, his voice carrying further than he expected. Greg jumped, looking around frantically for a few seconds before he paused, then looked up. 

His eyes widened. “Steven?” Said boy nodded mutely, feeling suddenly self-conscious. “How did you…” He seemed to rethink his sentence, placing a hand on his head as he glanced towards the barn. “The gems are really worried you know,” He added instead, looking back up to Steven, who was looking towards the barn guiltily. 

“I know,” 

“You didn’t…” Steven probably thought they were going to be angry, Greg mused, glancing at his shoes briefly. Otherwise he would’ve come out when he heard the gems arrive. “You don’t want the gems to know you’re here?” He guessed, and Steven nodded again, his eyes glistening as he stared down at his father. 

“I messed up,” His voice broke, and he moved further away from the edge, an air of panic overtaking Greg suddenly.

“That’s okay! Steven, that’s okay,” He grimaced, looking towards the barn again at his outburst. “I think we need to talk...we can hide out in the van, alright?” 

Steven pursed his lips, another wave of what if’s clouding his vision for a second before he came to a resolve. Greg sighed with relief when he saw Steven give another nod of affirmation, bringing his hand from his head to his cheek. 

“Okay, I’ll come up to get you and we’ll—” Without a second thought, Steven kept from the top of the silo, remembering to think happy thoughts right before he landed. Through the depressing fog hanging over his thoughts, he managed one simple,  _ light _ memory. He thought of when he and Lapis flew over the cities around Delmarva, a single orange leaf came to mind immediately. 

Greg opened his eyes to find Steven gone, a soft gust of wind alerting him to a figure behind him. He turned around, taking a step back in surprise when he saw Steven standing there, wobbling on his feet. 

“Since when could you—” The words died in his throat, a sudden realization hitting him full force: this wasn’t the same Steven he knew. The gems had told him there was some messing with time business, but this? He was taller,  _ older _ , bags under his red-rimmed eyes, a different sense of maturity weighing on his shoulders, one Greg thought he’d never see in his youth filled son. 

There was also a haunted look in his eyes, one he’d often associated with his mother. This Steven has seen some shit, Greg concluded, gently reaching out a hand to steady his son. An older, scarred version of his son...but it was still Steven, even when he looked like he was about to pass out, Greg knew his son. 

“I’m sorry,” He said, at last, flinching away from his dad’s touch. Greg’s gaze softened, and he slowly pulled Steven under his arm, helping to lead him towards the van a few yards away, risking one last glance behind him. 

Steven moved effortlessly into his father's touch, allowing himself to be pushed along towards the familiar vehicle, Lion’s pink outline the only thing he spotted when he tried to crane his neck back towards the barn. 

Both of them exhaled at the same time, coming up empty in their quick search of the gems, who were still in the barn. 

“It’s okay,” He led Steven to the back doors on the van, helping him climb in, placing a hand over his head hesitantly so he wouldn’t bump it against the roof. “You don’t have to apologize,”

Steven wanted to argue that yes, he did have to, but he knew the effort would be in vain. “Maybe not to you,” He tried, sitting down heavily on a stack of shirts, keeping all of his limbs tightly bunched towards himself. Greg watched his stiff exterior carefully, closing the doors behind him before he took a seat. 

“Well…” Steven kept his eyes trained on the gear shift, an object that was in the opposite direction of his dad, who’s eyes didn’t leave Steven. “Let’s just start with what happened,” 

“I did something bad,” It was quiet, and Greg almost did catch it because of the instantaneous response. 

“Which was?” 

“I…” Steven moved his gaze towards his dad briefly, his eyes flicking towards his feet a second later. “I don’t wanna talk about it,” 

“Aw, c’mon,” Greg tried the cheerful approach, his smile faltering when Steven didn’t respond as he’d hoped. “Hey, I can’t understand anything if I don’t know anything,” 

Steven was going to tell him that maybe he  _ shouldn’t _ know anything, but he knew it was just his anger getting the best of him, and he swallowed the bitter response down. “I don’t think you’ll like it,”

“I’m your dad, Schtu-ball, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes. You can tell me anything,” 

“It’s about mom,” He whispered back, pressing a hand to his cheek as he waited for his father's reaction. 

“Oh,” Greg’s hand went to his beard, and he frowned into his fingers. “Well...I don’t know a whole lot about gem stuff, but I did know your mother. Or...I knew about her without the whole bits about her past,”

“Yeah, well...that might be a problem,” Steven closed his mouth quickly, scolding himself mentally for the harsh answer, quickly backtracking. “I’m sorry, I just mean—”

“No, it’s okay. I know I’m not the best person to talk to about all of this...but...I care about you Steven, and this seems like it’s bothering you a lot. You don’t have to tell me anything, but you do have to let me help you,” Steven mulled over his words, a thousand different replies swishing around in his mouth, but none of them seemed  _ right _ . 

“I have, uh, this er  _ new  _ power,” Greg nodded, watching as his son’s future self stumbled over the explanation. “And it has to do with my dreams,” Steven paused, taking a shaky breath as he relived the past few hours. “Sometimes when I’m, uh,  _ distressed _ in my sleep, I project my subconscious onto technology. Like TVs, phones, and uh...” 

“So you used a new power?” Greg was quick to pick up where Steven trailed off, taking the wrong approach. “That’s good?” Whenever he spoke with Steven, he’d always be keen to talk about powers he’d learned or powers he should have. Steven was worried for a long time that he wouldn’t have any at all, so whenever one surfaced, he would be ecstatic. 

Apparently, the years had changed his opinion on them. 

“No,” Steven cut his dad off before he could say anything else, Greg’s mouth half-open to congratulate Steven on his progress. “No it’s bad. It’s something I can’t control, and it’s so  _ exposing _ ,” He took a few breaths to calm himself. “It’s not good. It really hurt Pearl…” 

“Hurt her?” Greg wasn’t quick enough to mask his surprise, covering it up with a small hand motion in apology, letting Steven continue. 

“Not physically. But I was having an, uh, I mean a pretty  _ messy _ dream...er nightmare. When I woke up, the tv was playing it, because of my power, and Pearl sorta...saw all of it,” He ended it lamely, shifting awkwardly from his seat. 

“What was the nightmare about?” Greg tried to backtrack from the upfront question, but Steven shook his head, silencing Greg’s blubbering. 

“Well, there’s a lot of things that I’ve been through. A lot of things I’ve found out. About me...about mom. Something Pearl knows but no one else does was shown,” There was a flash of pink behind his eyes, and Steven quickly rubbed his head, trying to clear it. “It’s a secret that she told me in the future. It’s just…” He couldn’t find the words, his voice dying in his throat as he gripped his hair in frustration. “It’s not...I don’t like thinking about it. And everything that happened in my dream...I just couldn’t—”

“It’s okay,” He looked up, tears threatening to spill as he gazed at his dad. “Pearl probably wanted to talk about it?” 

Steven nodded quickly, wiping at his eyes quickly. Greg paused long enough to let him finish, clasping his hands together as he began to understand the situation. 

“But you don’t wanna talk about it?” Again, Steven nodded. “That’s okay, Schtu-ball. You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do. If Pearl thinks that you have to talk about it, don’t be afraid to tell her she’s wrong. I know I’ve never been on the best terms with her but...even if this is big, these are  _ your _ feelings. Not Pearls. Not mine.  _ You _ get to talk about them if  _ you _ want to. Nobody can force them outta you,” 

“But she’s...it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it...no, I don’t want to talk about it—it’s just…” He glanced at his dad again, seeing nothing but affection in his gaze, and it broke something in Steven. “I feel so  _ bad _ ,” He was crying again. “I’m tired, I couldn’t sleep at all because I  _ ran away _ ...and even before then, everything I think about is so-so...depressing. Even when I sleep I can’t get away from it all,” He choked on his next sentence, covering his face with his hands. 

He heard shifting, and all of a sudden there was an arm over his shoulder. Steven leaned into his dad’s chest, letting himself cry. “I’m scared all the time. I don’t want to say anything wrong or do anything wrong, but when I’m asleep I can’t control it. I feel like I’m suffocating because I just...I just  _ can’t _ ,” 

“You’re okay. You’re safe. Don’t worry about what you don't want to say, don’t worry about doing the wrong thing. We all love you Steven, and even if you’re messing up...which you  _ aren’t _ , we’ll still be here. Think about what you want to do...what you  _ need _ to say, not what you can’t,” 

“But it’s so  _ hard _ ,” He sobbed. “There’s so  _ much _ , and I don’t want to ruin the timeline, or-or hurt any of the gems. I just...I don’t feel like I’m what you guys want. I’m all...sad, a-and  _ broken _ , and you don’t...I wasn’t…”

“You’re still you, Steven. I know that,  _ you _ know that, and nobody can take that away from you. Sure, you’re different, but that’s because you’ve grown. I mean, look at how tall you’ve gotten!” 

Steven let out a wet laugh, peeking through his fingertips at his Dad’s soft smile. “You said something like that in the future, too. I guess...I guess I’m just feeling like the outcast...I don’t belong in this time and everything’s so different, and I feel like I’ve been sent all the way back to the beginning…”

“You’re not an outcast,” He blinked a few tears away, staring at his dad as he gave him a half-smile. “You’re a crystal gem. You belong here, with us, with me, we’re your  _ family _ . We need you, no matter how old and  _ sad _ you think you are, we wouldn’t be complete without you, Steven,” 

He pressed his face against his dad’s shirt, thinking over the whole concept, something similar to what Connie had told him earlier. His eyes felt heavy as his thoughts began to slow, his entire breakdown taking all the energy he had left. “Yeah...family,” 

Greg waited for his breath to even out, brushing his fingers underneath Steven’s eyes for any stray tears, then gently leaned him back, watching as he curled against the pile of clothes, protecting his stomach with his knees. After making sure he wasn’t going to move anywhere (or fall to the van’s floor), he turned towards the doors, opening one and climbing out quickly, his gaze hardening. 

The three gems in front of him had varied expressions, Pearl clasping her hands tightly as Amethyst looked down guiltily. Garnet’s gaze was impassive as always, and Pearl couldn't contain herself anymore. “Greg—”

“Do you want to tell me what you did to fuck my son up or do I have to force it outta you,” 


	12. Familiar, Why do I know this Feeling?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven's trying to stay optimistic in his new environment, but with the gems avoiding him and his Dad acting really weird, it's becoming harder to maintain his spirit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *walks into the room and immediately bangs knee on the doorframe* I bet you wonder where I've been...With all meme references aside, I genuinely forgot my own schedule and it was Sunday night last week and I was staring at the last chapter written, and I just kinda...noped? I apologize, but I did enjoy leaving the deep angst that is F!Steeb in the past to write less angsty P!Steeb in the future. He's just so little and soft...he must be protected! (clears throat) Anyways, this is the bulk of interactions I have planned for any future chapters with younger Steeb--again, my mind is an endless abyss that just wants Steven to yell at the gems for traumatizing him. Comment? I love reading comments, they make my day in a weird "aw they do read it" kind of way. Feel free to ask questions or just talk to me in general about the story. You can also ask me questions/talk to me AND see memes about this story on my Tumblr (@imgoingtotraumatizesteeb) (also @thatonedudeinthecorner, which is just a lot of stuff about me fucking around, ATLA memes, and especially a lot on current events--BLM!!!!). Happy Pride Month everyone! And I'll see you next chapter!

Steven was not having a good time. 

Well, considering that he was in the future by himself in an unfamiliar house with people he barely knew (five years is a lot of time to change), the feeling was understandable. Even though everything was different, that wasn’t what was bothering Steven the most. It was just how... _ weird _ everyone was acting towards him. 

The first day he was there he’d been put to bed on the couch, and when he woke up his dad was sitting with him. It was a quick but pleasant interaction when Greg realized he was awake, but he eventually ushered Steven up a set of stairs, sitting him down in front of a tv while he went to get him something to eat. 

He wandered around the room for a bit, but it was clear that he shouldn’t snoop around anything, so he eventually settled down to play video games and read what few books he’d found. His dad came to get him for a very awkward lunch, but then he was put back into the room. 

That was the basis of his interactions for the next twelve hours, except the few minutes Connie had stopped in to see him, asking for anything he could remember about the incident. 

No sign on the gems. 

Steven assured his father that he was totally fine with sleeping on the couch, and the day closed uneventfully. 

Day two wasn't anything special either. He woke up alone this time, exploring the kitchen before his dad came down the stairs frantically and made sure he sat at the table while he fixed him something. 

It was odd, the hesitance in which his dad spoke to him. 

He tried all the basics, “How did you sleep?”, “Do you need any help with that?”, and his usual cheery compliments. 

His dad always seemed on edge about something, tripping over his reply before he found some way to either leave or busy himself. Steven frowned when his dad turned around after setting a plate in front of him, feeling his stomach churn as he lost his appetite. 

In the afternoon he was once again asked questions by Connie, and he snuck downstairs after running out of things to read. 

He had just discovered a stack of cards when an unfamiliar gem warped in, looking flustered when he greeted her. She introduced herself as Bismuth, and Steven asked her if she wanted to play go-fish. There was less tension this time he mused to himself as he happily asked her for a red ace, the Rainbow haired gem answering his small talk enthusiastically. He was disappointed when she’d finally gone, not seeing any other gems for the rest of the day. 

He managed to avoid his dad at dinner, grabbing something to eat much later before he went to bed. 

Day three and four were a blur. He’d found Lion sitting on the porch at some point and snuck outside for a bit. He didn’t wander too far in any direction, but it was nice to see the familiar beach setting. 

Before his dad could notice he was gone, he’d returned, Lion stooping through the door to take a nap (and to watch him curiously, as Steven had noticed when he was looking at games). 

He’d slept, woken up again and tried to find something to do. 

He still hadn’t seen the gems, but at the end of the day he was met by a very frantic Connie, explaining that his future self had found a way back...somehow. 

The details were very blurry, cut short so nothing would be given away to Steven. He’d gotten into contact with them via letter, and Steven was finally feeling like they were getting somewhere—like they were close to getting him home! 

But...the moment didn’t last long, and soon Steven was by himself again, staring at the ceiling while he tried to let the waves crashing outside lull him to sleep. 

Nobody had told him of really anything that was going on, only that he shouldn’t be seen by anyone from the future—as to not  _ spoil _ anything for himself, and to keep the panic to a minimum. 

He felt...lost. 

Confused. 

_ Ignored _ . 

It was stupid, he’d rationalize to himself. Nobody was ignoring him...or at least, why would they? They were just busy with...future stuff. 

He just felt so  _ useless _ . Connie had taken what information she needed from him and that was all their interactions had been for the past few days. His dad was keeping everything to pleasantries and small talk—and even that was stretching it half the time. And the gems wouldn’t even talk to him! They wouldn’t even interact with him! He’d only seen a single gem since the time he’d been there, and it was a total stranger. 

He thought it was going to be different. He thought they were going to fix everything  _ together _ . He thought...well, after everything that had been going on the past few days, he couldn’t help but think--

... _ was it him? _

He wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon, so he’d sat up, shifting around the blanket he was given. Maybe he could go back outside to the water? But the screen door might make a noise that might wake his dad up. He didn’t have to use the bathroom, but maybe he could shower? Again, the noise might alert his dad and he might come down to check on him. He wished he knew how to open his mom’s room, he could probably do a lot in there. 

He looked wistfully in the direction of the temple doors, a hand going to grip at his shirt near his gem instinctively. His eyes widened when he saw two of the gems light up, usually signaling the entrance of Garnet. He flopped back down on his back, pulling the covers over him as he turned to face the wall quickly, pretending he was asleep. 

His eyes were wide open, though, when three familiar footsteps crept into the room. 

“Is he sleeping?” Amethyst's familiar voice whispered, albeit loudly, to which she was shushed by Pearl. 

“It looks like it,” Pearl ventured, taking a few steps closer. Steven squeezed his eyes shut, relaxing his facial muscles as she approached. 

_ Keep your breaths even _ , he chanted in his head, waiting for any indication that the gem would back away from his side. He could still feel Pearl’s analytical gaze on the back of his head, watching him carefully as he supposedly slept.  _ Well, that wasn’t creepy at all _ . 

“Yeah, he’s asleep,” He felt cold air brush against his cheek, and it took all of his willpower not to tense up, playing it off as if he was shifting in his sleep. 

He realized a moment later that the air was from the movement of Pearl’s hand, which was hovering over his form as if she was going to place it on his shoulder, or maybe brush his hair back on his forehead. She did neither, instead opting to lower her arm, sitting by his feet as the weight on the cushions indicated. “He looks so peaceful,” She broke the silence, at last. 

“It’s been so long since he’s slept so soundly,” Garnet mumbled, and Steven couldn’t help but frown at that. 

What was that supposed to mean? Did he not sleep well in the future? Did he go to bed late or wake up in the middle of the night? Did they just stop watching him? 

The thought shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did, the whole ‘watching him in his sleep’ thing unsettling and weird, but it left him feeling...alone, in a strange way. 

“You guys are making it so sentimental. It’s not like he died or something,” That got a chuckle out of the other two, Steven covering the laughter rising in his chest by once again shifting. All three of them froze, being cautious that he didn’t wake up. 

(Jokes on them, he wasn’t asleep to begin with. Which made him feel a little bad, but he wanted to hear the gems, even if it was under the guise that he couldn’t. Maybe they wouldn’t be super weird, like his dad and Connie. Maybe he could just pretend they were having a conversation—which would be nice, since they’d been avoiding him.) 

“Why can’t we just talk to him?” He almost risked opening his eye, but thought against it when he felt a hand resting near his ankle. It must’ve been Pearl, and he’d felt Amethyst sit down in front of him, her voice closer than it had been moments before. 

“Steven values his privacy,” Pearl replied matter-of-factly, her tone lacking any actual bite to it. “He’s probably going through a lot of emotions right now...the least we can do is give him space…” 

“We never did before,” Amethyst muttered bitterly, and Steven could practically hear her roll her eyes when Pearl gasped in offense. 

“How can you—”

“Pearl,” Garnet warned, and the words died in her throat. The hand shifted off of his ankle, and he felt her shift again, probably to cross her arms. “It may be true that we never understood Steven’s needs in the past—” Amethyst agreed with a hum. “—but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give that to him now,” It was Pearl’s turn to agree, an air of smugness surrounding her ‘humph’. “He deserves as much. We were so focused on the corrupted gems, and our own lives, that we neglected the most important part of raising Steven—which was listening to his needs...we even forced him into feeling as if he  _ couldn’t _ voice them,” 

“We also had no idea what we were doing,” 

“Amethyst!” 

“What? It’s true!” She sighed, leaning her head back into the cushions, almost startling Steven into jumping. “We were completely winging it...and I mean, we messed up a  _ lot _ , but we were clueless most of the time,” 

“He must  _ just _ be learning that,” Pearl added, her voice soft as the weight returned on Steven’s leg. “He’s so young,” 

“Young and impressionable,” Garnet broke into the moment, and both gems sighed. “That’s why we should show him that we can—that we  _ have _ changed. Maybe he’ll return to the past and...take this glimpse into the future as confidence. We can do this one good thing...for Steven,” 

“For Steven,” The two chorused, and Steven felt something warm fill up his chest, a lump forming in his throat. They were, in a misguided way, avoiding him  _ for _ him. Whatever they’d learned from future Steven they were using on him, which was sweet in a way. 

He wasn’t his future self, though, and alone-time was something he was getting sick of. 

A moment of silence hung in the air, and Steven felt courage building up in his stomach, overcoming the twisting knots. 

“Y’know,” He shifted, opening one of his eyes to look at the frozen gems. “It’s creepy that you watch me sleep,” The effect was immediate, with Amethyst and Pearl leaping away from him. Garnet gave him a small, nervous smile as he sat up again, shifting so he was facing them. 

“We thought...well you looked like…” Pearl winced, all of her explanations falling short. Steven stifled a laugh, furrowing his brows at all of them. 

“You’ve all been avoiding me,” He was confident in his resolve, the words hanging in the air as the gems exchanged glances nervously. 

Garnet stepped forward. “Yes, we have been,” 

“Garnet!” Pearl hissed, blue dusting her cheeks as she clasped her hands in front of her. 

Steven noticed the differences in their clothes, Pearl’s jacket especially, and he kept them as a physical reminder of how much they’ve all grown. He wished he could ask about it, maybe even compliment Garnet’s new visor or Pearl’s pants, but he knew that would be classified as ‘spoilers’. He felt the disappointment in the back of his throat, a sour taste filling his mouth. 

“Well at least she’s being honest with me,” Steven muttered, watching as all of the gems looked away, embarrassed. “I’m...sorry,” 

Amethyst was the first to look back at him, her mouth open to ask why, but the look on Steven’s face expressed the confliction behind the statement. He continued, 

“It wasn’t fair of me to pretend I was asleep but to be fair, I haven’t even  _ seen _ any of you since I first got here! I was...I was scared if you knew I was awake that you’d run away—or, or that you’d be super weird. Everyone’s been super weird…” He shook his head, clearing his throat. “I just wanted to talk to you guys. Without...all the awkwardness,” He gripped the blanket until his knuckles turned white, glancing up at the shocked gems before looking away again. “It’s fine, you guys can keep ignoring me again. It’s...sweet? In a really weird way,” 

“So you...don’t want space?” He looked up, watching as Amethyst carefully inched her way forward, sitting down in front of him. 

He cocked his head at her. “No?” Her face lit up, and she looked back at Pearl, pointing at him like he’d done a backflip. 

“I told you!” She exclaimed, turning back to him with a grin. “I knew it!” 

“Well, I heard all of you talking about it before. I’m just...different from your Steven, I guess. You guys—or I guess  _ past _ you...you’re always  _ there _ . It’s kinda unsettling when the house is empty except for dad,” He winced, looking in the direction of the stairs. “It’s not that I don’t like his company, it’s been...nice?” 

“But,” Amethyst prompted, poking at his stomach, making him giggle. 

“He’s been so weird!” He blurted out between laughs, shoving Amethyst back playfully. Pearl took this as her cue to sit down again, scooting closer this time. Even Garnet took a few steps closer, hesitating before sitting on his other side. He sighed, noticing the way they watched him carefully before relaxing again. “And I know it’s not fair of me to expect him to be...normal? I don’t know,  _ everything _ has been weird, I just wanted to…” He shrugged. “Have a normal conversation?” 

“Well, what would you like to talk about?” Pearl leaned forward, watching as he opened his mouth, then closed it. 

“I don’t know,” He admitted, his face scrunched up in thought. “Something other than the weather?” That got a chuckle out of all of them, and Steven beamed. 

“Jeez, it’s been so awful sneaking around the house,” Amethyst slumped forward, a lazy smile crossing her lips. “And only seeing you when you’re unconscious,” 

“Yeah, that’s a little creepy guys,” He laughed nervously, shifting further out of the blankets. “Can we…” He paused, looking up at Garnet apprehensively. “Can we just...hang out? Like...like you guys used to. Like I’m used to. I don’t know what happens in the future, and I’m sure I’d appreciate that you’re thinking a lot about what I’d want...but...but I don’t really want to be alone,” He looked down again, blushing. “It’s been really boring. And I was thinking that maybe…” 

“Maybe?” Amethyst prodded. 

“Maybe I  _ did _ something,” He managed, quickly defending himself. “It was stupid, but I just couldn’t help it! I felt like I did something wrong! Like I was doing something wrong...like I was…” 

“Like  _ you _ were wrong,” Garnet finished for him, and he nodded, feeling her familiar hand on his shoulder.

“Oh,  _ Steven _ ,” Pearl glanced frantically from Garnet’s hand to his face, and he carefully shifted, giving her a single nod. She rushed forward, pressing his face against her shoulder as she hugged him, and he barely hesitated before hugging back. 

“I’m sorry,” He said again and flinched when the three gems wasted no time in replying. 

“No!” Amethyst quickly joined the hug, her head falling on top of his gently. 

“ _ We’re _ sorry,” Pearl added, squeezing him gently. 

At the same time, Garnet wrapped all of them in the hug. “You have nothing to apologize for,” She said softly, and Steven felt the warm feeling return to his stomach, his heart tight with emotion. 

They stayed like that for a long time, enjoying each other’s grasp until finally, Steven couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Where’s my ukulele? I know it might not even be here, but it’s been freaking me out that I can’t find it,” The gems stiffened, then one by one, let out a long, very fond sigh. 

They let their vision of how their Steven acted in his moments of weakness skew their vision of what was _actually_ there. What had _always_ been there. They needed to be better about that. 

_That_ was the Steven they’d almost forgotten about. 


	13. Is this how we fall apart?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven has to remember when Pearl calmed Sapphire after finding out about Pink Diamond in order to help Garnet. Then, he gets to help himself when he gets a moment alone with his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was I planning on posting this chapter sooner? Yes. Did I? Nooope. I wanted to add a whole bit in with Amethyst and Steven, but I’m saving that for next chapter (mentioning the next chapter? So soon? Wow, character development in myself, amiright?). Garnet! I’ve wanted to add Garnet for so long but I can never write her exactly like I want her. Also, for some reason she’s been coming off as suspicious for this whole story? I think Garnet just has that touch of mystery in the first few seasons, maybe she is suspicious—hell if I know. I’m thinking that when she disappeared in one of the first chapters, she actually fell apart, and she’d recently composed herself again when the whole Pink bomb was dropped. Also! The pink bomb! Greg (probably) had a fist fight with the gems (mostly one-sided) and Pearl told them e v e r y t h i n g. Finally! Jeez, these idiots are too emotionally constipated for this shit, but hah! The plot forced ya into that one, didn’t see that comin’, did ya? I really needed Steven to talk with someone about his problemos, so...Greg. Greg is always my solution. Okay, this has been going on for far too long—comment! I love reading your comments! Feel free to ask me questions or just talk to me (I try to respond). You can also bother me on tumblr, I have a blog specifically for Steven (@imgoingtotraumatizesteeb). Ask me questions there or just look at my memes. (Also find me @thatonedudeinthecorner, I make various types of memes, some about just random shit I’ve said). Okay, that’s all, until next chapter! :)

The van was moving when Steven woke up.   


He suddenly became aware of the gross taste in his mouth—the kind of icky layer that coats your tongue after sleep. 

As he pried his eyes open, he tried to remember what exactly he had done to have slept so well. He’d talked with his dad, he’d hugged him in the van...and then…

Steven shifted up slowly from the pile of clothes he was lying on, regretting the action when his vision swam. When the darkness cleared and he could see everything clearly again, he looked around. 

He was still in the back of his dad's van, there was some sort of music in the tape player, and he saw the edges of his dad’s hair, indicating who was behind the wheel. 

He felt something curl inside his stomach, a feeling of regret forcing its way up his throat. He had said a lot of things before he went to bed—from spilling the pink beans to Pearl, to forcing all of his troubles on Greg. 

He really couldn’t afford to miss his weekly therapy appointment...and he was starting to see the negative effects of not taking his meds. Maybe he could just cope with Lion (who had become a certified—if you could call him that—therapy animal) or he could try bottling up his emotions again. 

No, he couldn’t go back to old mechanisms.  _ Harmful _ mechanisms. 

Steven pressed a hand to his head, reeling at the number of apologies desperately trying to escape his mouth. Before he could get any further than greeting his father, he noticed the figure sitting across from him, patiently waiting for him to notice her. 

Steven jumped involuntarily, his shield appearing as a reflex. A sound escaped his throat, loud enough that it startled Greg enough to have the car swerving before he quickly regained control. The swift turn the car made sent Steven back to his side, the shield flying out of his grasp and bouncing away, disappearing within a few seconds. 

“Garnet?” Steven managed, his voice  strained.   
  


“Good morning, Steven,” She answered, in a somewhat cheerful manner. She didn’t seem disrupted by the sudden motion of the car, still sitting in a perfect meditative position. 

Steven immediately furrowed his brows, slowly crawling to a sitting position. His heart was beginning to beat normally again, and he tilted his head at the gem. 

“Morning? But it was just—you were just, and the other gems...what?” He exhaled, playing with the end of his shirt under her gaze. She seemed to analyze him for a second, bringing her hands to rest against her thighs. “What are you doing in the back of my dad’s van?”

She smiled, and he noticed the forced nature behind it. “We had a conversation with Greg after he spoke with you yesterday,”  _ Yesterday? How long was he asleep for? _ “We understand that we’ve made you feel out of place. We’re... _ I’m _ sorry,” 

Steven felt his face get hot. He knew as soon as he woke up that he would have a lot of  _ fixing _ to do. “What? No! You don’t have anything to apologize for! I’m the one who should be saying sorry!” 

She looked as if she wanted to interrupt, probably to give him some sort of parental life advice bullshit—but Steven wasn’t done. 

“I’ve had a lot of time to think. A  _ day _ apparently,” He rubbed at his forehead, trying to clear his still muddled brain. “I was...upset. I felt out of place and...I let the situation get the best of me. I acted brashly, I  _ yelled _ at Pearl and Amethyst, and they hadn’t even done anything wrong! At least...well I yelled at them about a lot of things that haven’t even happened yet. I was unfair, I was angry and I let my emotions cloud my judgment,” He let out a slow breath, curling his hand into a fist. “I’m sorry. I’m so... _ sorry _ ,” 

“Hm,” She seemed taken aback for a moment, then she relaxed. “I’m so used to the predictability of your past self...but I don’t know you as well as I thought I did. As much as I try to see into the future, I just can’t seem to find the right path—the one that you follow. You’ve matured greatly, Steven,” 

Steven swallowed thickly, trying for a smile. “Thanks, it’s all the trauma,” His voice cracked, and he heard his dad choke on air from the front seat. “I mean, wait, that’s not something I should joke about,” He laughed awkwardly, cringing at the intensity he knew Garnet was looking at him with.   
  


“Pearl has...explained a lot of things to me. About the glimpse into the future she got from your...new power,” 

Steven nodded slowly, anxiety building in his gut.  _ What _ exactly had Pearl shared with them? “I’m sorry,” He said immediately, shifting uncomfortably. “I can’t really control that one. I don’t want to mess anything up for the future but...Pearl saw a lot of... _ spoilers _ ,” 

“Steven,” Garnet coaxed gently, leaning closer to him. “Pearl explained a lot of what she saw. Everything actually,” 

Steven froze, all of the color draining from his face. “She didn’t—”

“Your father played a big role in...persuading the truth from us. Pearl had a lot she was keeping from us...”

“You fell apart,” Steven realized, looking to his dad quickly before focusing on Garnet again. “That’s why the others aren’t here. You wanted to  _ seem _ like everything was fine, but you’re  _ falling _ apart!” 

Her smile wobbled for a second, and her hands turned to grip her thighs. “I’m fine,” 

Steven shook his head, sitting up straighter, gaining confidence. “You’re  _ not _ . Honestly, who is? When I found out about Pink Diamond...about  _ everything _ , you broke. Sapphire didn’t want to believe in your relationship when she felt so betrayed, and Ruby ran away to become...well...anyways, it turned out fine! But that’s not the point,” He took in a deep breath, staring into Garnet’s visor, his gaze flicking between her eyes. “You don’t have to be fine right now, we have a lot to talk about,” 

It was like she was waiting for permission, her form wobbling as soon as the words left his mouth. Steven blinked, looking at Ruby as Sapphire stomped to the other side of the van (did she have  _ feet  _ to stomp with?), her normally  _ cool _ composure nonexistent. 

“Just give us a second,” Ruby grit out, sitting down as she let Sapphire fume, her own rage showing. 

“She lied to us,” She hissed, the thickness in her voice betraying the angry facade she had presented. “We trusted her with everything. We built our relationship on her support! And it was a lie?” 

“Oh boy,” Steven whispered, remembering how angry Ruby had gotten when Pearl lied about Peridot to trick them into fusion. And then when Sapphire had similarly raged when she’d found out about Pink. 

Truth was very important to the two, and having their trust betrayed like that? Steven didn’t know how to proceed. 

“She kept it up, too!  _ Rose _ , can we even call her Rose?? She made us think she was a  _ shatterer _ ! And that she was a  _ hero _ !” Steven flinched at the mention of shattering, and it was violent enough that the two gems slowed in their fighting. 

“And...and...Steven?” Ruby shifted uncomfortably when Sapphire moved closer, inspecting the boy. 

“I’m fine,” He waved them off, realizing they weren’t going to let it slide a moment too late. 

“We scared him,” Sapphire placed a hand over her mouth, misreading his reaction. “We were so focused on our own anger that we lashed out at him,” 

“Steven, no, Steven how do  _ you _ feel about all this?” Ruby rushes forward, taking his hand into her own, looking at him with apologetic eyes. 

_ How was he going to explain the misunderstanding to them? _

“Me?” They both nodded, and he ran his tongue along the inside of his mouth as he tried to get his brain started. “What I think isn’t important right now. I’ve had a lot of time to think about everything Rose...Pink... _ Mom _ did. And I’m...mad at her? I  _ understand _ her. I wish she didn’t leave so much behind for me to deal with...but she wasn’t a  _ bad _ person…” He tightened his grip on Ruby’s hand, and the smaller gem squeezed back enthusiastically.   


“She wasn’t a good person either...she tried to be but…” He trailed off awkwardly, his emotional capacity well past its limit for the ‘I hate my mom but I still love her’ talk. 

“You guys have more to work through. Rose lied to you about her entire identity. She could have stopped the war by using her diamond authority, but instead she faked her own shattering and then the diamonds corrupted all the gems. Everything she was fighting for seems unbelievable right now...especially when she painted Pink...well,  _ herself _ out as the bad guy to rally gems to the cause,” Sapphire scoffed, nodding along to his explanation.

“But in the same way...she  _ couldn’t _ have ended the war. When Pink diamond was first given her colony, she was clouded by the excitement of her newfound power that she overlooked the planet itself. Pearl...showed her the beauty she was known to preach. Pink pleaded with the diamonds...but they didn’t listen. To them, she was just ungrateful, especially after she asked for a colony of her own for  _ so _ long,” Steven smiled at the memory of Pearl telling a similar story to Sapphire in her distress.

“So, Pink started the rebellion under the disguise of Rose Quartz. She left the diamonds and fought against them...for the Earth. For  _ you _ ,” He grinned at the two gems, who seemed taken aback by the expression.  _ When was the last time he’d smiled? _

“Rose was fighting for Earth...but then she met you. She met Garnet. She knew there was so much more freedom to be explored, more than she’d ever known. She wanted...she was shown so much...and she needed to protect it…” He cleared his throat, slowly taking his hand away from Ruby’s to tug at his hair. 

The van had stopped sometime in his rant, and he looked up to find his dad looking back at them, smiling softly, pride glittering in his eyes. 

“I’m not saying what she did was right. I’m not saying it was fair...and she messed up, a lot,” He tried to not dwell on the multiple examples lingering in the back of his throat. “But...I don’t think you two should compromise your relationship for something out of your control. Rose might’ve helped you gain your freedom, but once you had it, you were yourselves. Mom had nothing to do with that,” 

Ruby sat back on her feet, working her jaw as she mulled over Steven’s speech. Sapphire had moved closer to her again, taking the hand Steven was holding a few moments ago. 

“He’s right, you know,” She started, watching as Ruby huffed.

“I know I know! When did he get so smart?” Steven blushed, something the two gems caught before they looked back at each other. “I want to be mad…” 

“I  _ am _ mad,” Sapphire agreed, and Ruby seemed to struggle with herself for another second before giving Sapphire a long and hard stare. “But we can’t let our anger replace our other emotions...I  _ miss _ you already,”

“Okay...let's be mad...together?” Between each sentence they seemed to be having a mental argument with each other, but it was quickly resolved. Ruby leaned in to kiss Sapphire, and their two forms were enveloped in light, fusing back into Garnet. 

Said gem was staring at Steven when she reformed, a multitude of emotions flitting through her eyes before she brought a hand to her face, her visor popping into existence. Steven let out a quiet breath, feeling almost proud of himself at the speed he’d resolved their problem. 

“Thank you, Steven,” He nodded in silent understanding, but Garnet continued to stare at him. “It’s been really tough the past few days. Ruby and Sapphire weren’t agreeing on many things. The future, the other Steven’s disappearance…” She trailed off and Steven felt a wave of guilt wash over him. 

“And me,” He added, knowing he was right. 

Garnet paused for a second, then nodded. “Then to hear about Rose...you’re remarkable, Steven. I think the confliction they were feeling—that  _ I _ was feeling towards you was centered around the fact that you’ve grown up. It’s hard to change my perspective of you so quickly, but I suppose I’ll just have to accept it. You’ve grown up, and I’m so  _ proud _ of you, even if it is difficult to see your choices,” 

Steven felt a lump forming in his throat, and he looked down at his hands, lacing them together with embarrassed energy. “I’m not  _ that _ grown up,” He insisted, catching his dad’s eye roll out of the corner of his eye. “I still have to apologize to Pearl and Amethyst...I was especially not grown up when I yelled at them,” 

“Good thing we’re at the temple,” His dad butted in, leaning back into his seat as Steven jumped to his feet, rushing to look through the windshield. He was right, they were on the beach again, parked just a few feet away from the mailbox. 

He turned back to Garnet, but she was already getting out of the van, closing the doors behind her. Steven closed his eyes for a second, exhaling through his nose as he climbed further into the front, taking shotgun. 

“So...I’m guessing you yelled at the gems after my breakdown,” He looked out the window instead of his dad, his cheeks feeling hot at the mention of him crying in his dad's arms. 

“I may have had a...few things to say to them,” Steven could hear the edge to his voice, and he risked a glance at his father. His hands were gripping the wheel tightly, his brows pulled together. 

Steven was taken aback by his anger for a second, reaching out and placing a hand on Greg's shoulder. 

“Dad,” He said, very seriously. “I’m okay, really. You shouldn’t be mad at the gems for things they haven’t even done yet,” His dad didn’t look convinced, but he let go of the steering wheel, placing a hand over Steven’s. 

“But you aren’t okay...they made you feel like you weren’t safe... _ I _ made you feel that way,” 

Steven stopped mid thought, biting his lip.  _ Make them understand _ , Lars chanted in his head, and he took a breath to steady himself. “Dad...I have something I need to tell you,” He slowly drew back from his dad's touch, wrapping his arms around himself. “Something important...and I want you to know because everything else is already spoiled, right?” 

He could feel his dads unwavering gaze, but he didn’t look at him, not yet. “You can tell me anything, Schtu-ball,” 

“I…” He shut his eyes, turning his head to look out at the ocean. Lapis was probably somewhere out there, still in a toxic fusion with Jasper at the bottom of the ocean. “I have ptsd,” He blinked back the awful memories, focusing on the way the waves lapped the shore line.    
  


“What?” His dad breathed, and Steven nodded.

“I went to the hospital a few years ago after my powers kept flaring up. It was really painful, and Connie was really worried about me, so I let her mom examine me. My gem was taking my bottled up emotions and physically straining my body, causing me to swell up...emotionally, too. Apparently I have a certain type of it—C-PTSD, because of all the traumatic events that happened in my past…” 

“Steven…” 

“I’m okay now. My nightmares don’t usually bother me that much anymore. I’m...talking to someone, I think she really helps...and I have medication. Uh...medication that was left in the future,” 

He began to worry his bottom lip between his teeth again, stealing a glance at his dad in the reflection of the window. He looked...frozen was the best word to describe his expression. There wasn’t any anger or confusion, just a sort of hollowness that overshadowed all of his other emotions. 

“I...thank you for telling me,” His dad managed, his words coming out slow and empty. “Is there...I’m not very good at this but...is there anything you need me to do?” 

Steven shook his head, then paused, nodding. “I need you to be there,” He said, shifting so that he was facing his father again. The sudden movement shocked Greg out of his state, and he nodded, wide eyed at his son.  “It’s not good to be off my meds, but if nothing really triggering happens I should be fine...except really everything could potentially be triggering right now. I just...I might have another breakdown, or a panic attack, or I might dissociate. I just need you to know about all of this so you can be there for me. It’s...a lot to ask, but I...I need this, dad,” 

“It’s not a lot,” His dad reassured him, moving to take his hand again, but then he thought better of it. “I’m your dad, Steven, I’ll always be here. Just...just let me understand all of it, okay? Don’t leave me out...don’t be afraid to tell me when something bad is happening in your head...okay?” 

“Okay…” A weight felt like it had been lifted off his chest.  _ Of course _ his dad would accept it,  _ why had he been so afraid in the first place?  _

“Can I hug you?” Steven blinked out of his thinking, looking at his dad in surprise. 

Slowly, he nodded, leaning forward into his father's embrace, moving his own hands to hug him back. “I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this,” His dad spoke into his hair, rubbing circles into his shoulder blades. His fingers were just missing the scars along his spine, making Steven’s skin itch involuntarily. 

“It’s okay,” He said back after a moment, feeling his eyes get misty. “I’m better now,” 

“But you weren’t before?” 

Steven hesitated, then sighed, closing his eyes. “No, I wasn’t,” He pulled away, rubbing his eyes on the back of his hand, giving his dad a dry smile. “That’s a story I don’t have the emotional strength for right now,” 

His dad nodded in understanding, wiping his own eyes. “Alright, Schtu-Ball, let’s get you into some clean clothes before you head inside,” 

Steven looked down at his blood stained jeans, picking at the holes near the knee. “Yeah...as long as you don’t make me wear the cherry sweater,” 


	14. This Magical Destiny really kicked Me in the Butt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven tried to apologize to Amethyst, but the circumstances (one shirtless Steven and uncomfortable Diamond talk) lead into a more serious discussion about his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m getting really good at his whole disappearing act, huh? I’m soooo sorry, but every time I tried to sit down and write the rest of this chapter, I’d either get bored and/or distracted, or it wouldn’t quite turn out the way I wanted it to. But I’m back! And I have an idea for an ending for the next chapter, and I’m hoping (fingers crossed) that this time I’ll stick to a better schedule. With classes starting up again, the updates will probably be really far apart, so expect a few weeks between those, but I’ll go as fast as my tiny nerd brain can manage! Another Amethyst and Steven bonding chapter! Yay! I wanted to get through a whole lot more with the two, but none of it seemed fitting for that moment, y’know? So the magic of editing kicked in and I had to delete a whole bunch. Also, conflict? At the end? Woooah! Don’t worry, things are going to get better soon, I promise (don’t hold me to that, I’m a writer and I lie), and when things are getting better we usually see more of a certain badass female (aka one of my favorite ships will be reunited, a wink wonk). Anyways, this is getting long so I’ll wrap it up. Leave a comment if you wanna, I love reading them and feel free to ask me questions or just talk to me in general about the fic! I also have a tumblr if you wanna reach out to me there (@imgoingtotraumatizesteeb or @thatonedudeinthecorner), I make many memes. I also know that some people like talking on discord? Feel free to talk to me there, too, @TooAwkwardToFunction#2409. Okay, I’m done now, until next chapter, byeeeee!!!

Steven was considering putting on sunscreen when he was interrupted.   


He’d climbed out of the back of the van once he’d changed into new jeans (they were a bit too big, pulled halfway over his gem in a futile attempt to keep them from dragging at his heels. He ended up cuffing them when his original plan didn’t work out) and he’d gotten over the fact that he was shirtless almost as soon as the sun touched his exposed back. He felt like he needed to lie down on his stomach and nap right there and then, all of the former insecurities about his corruption scars immediately forgotten. 

His dad had gone inside to ask Amethyst if she had any of his old merch in her room (after he’d asked his dad if he had any shirts in blue and was greeted with a look of pure confusion). 

While his dad's side quest was completed, Steven rummaged through the clothes in the back of the van, recalling an old sweatshirt he’d found a few years prior that he wore while he hiked. 

He was admittedly lost in his own head as he hummed and worked, so it wasn’t entirely Amethysts fault that she scared him. 

“Woah,” Was all she’d said, causing Steven to jump, bang his head on the roof of the van, then land on his back, sprawled out on the sand. She was peering down at Steven from the top of the car, her long hair trickling just over the edge of the open door. 

“Woah?” He managed, sitting up quickly and rubbing his head. She gave him a sheepish smile, swinging her legs to dangle the edge. 

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” He waved her off, crawling to his feet and approaching the van, using the open back as a stepping stool to the roof. He sat down lightly next to her, wiggling his bare feet as he swung his legs. 

“You changed the subject,” He pointed out once he’d settled. “What were you ‘woah’ing at?” 

She raised an eyebrow at him, carefully lifting a hand to point at her shoulders. “Your back and shoulders and…” Steven felt the color drain from his face, his eyes quickly darting between his corruption scars, a hand automatically covering his shoulder. “Those kinda look like—”

“They’re nothing!” He said, shutting his eyes tight, counting backwards from ten in an attempt to calm himself down. When he got to five, he risked looking back at Amethyst, his hand slowly sliding back into his lap at her expression. “Seriously, don’t worry about it,” 

“Steven, those scars, what you said before you ran off...it’s kinda hard not to be a little worried about you,” 

His mind whirled to a stop, and he let out a breathy laugh. “Right, I wanted to talk to you about what I said,” 

“Hey, now who’s avoiding the subject,” 

He lifted a hand to quiet her. “I was hoping I could do this apology fully clothed, but pickers can’t be choosers,” He quickly averted his gaze back to the sand, stretching his hands out behind him. 

“Apology?”

“Yeah, cuz I yelled at you...and it wasn’t fair. I was really mad at Pearl for trying to, I don’t know, connect with me through our trauma? She thinks she can understand...but it’s just…” 

“Not true?” He nodded, helplessly, and Amethyst snorted quietly. “I get it, I’m usually on the end of Pearls know-it-all ‘tude,”

“Yeah...but she was trying to help. I was in a bad headspace, and I lashed out at the both of you. I got really angry when you didn’t even  _ do _ anything. And then I just ran away, right after I said we’d always stick together…” He tilted his head back towards the sun, furrowing his brows as he continued. “That sounds familiar,” He muttered to himself, then turned his gaze to Amethyst. “I’m really sorry I dragged you into my problems. And I’m sorry I didn’t explain any of this to you guys sooner...I just didn’t wanna mess anything up,” He let out a bitter laugh, trying to ignore the way her expression screwed up. “A lot of good that did, huh?” 

Amethyst looked conflicted for a moment as they let a silence stretch between them. “I’m not going to lie, I’m a little pissed off about everything right now,” 

Steven nodded, trying to remember her reaction from his timeline. She was trying to cheer him up, if he remembered correctly, but she was also lost in the way that Rose Quartz was the only version of his mom that she’d ever known. 

“I guess I know what you meant now, when you said we keep getting caught up in a war we weren’t a part of,” She cracked a smile, but Steven bit his lip, remembering just how involved he was forced to be. “We lucked out on the diamond side of things, huh Stee-man?” 

“Hah...sure,” He cringed at how pathetic his voice sounded, the lie glaringly obvious. Amethyst shifted awkwardly, furrowing her brow in concern. 

“Something happens to you in the future,” She said at last, after surveying his scars again. “Before you ran, you kept talking about how ‘ _ she _ ’ didn’t want you, about your gem…” Steven felt guilt crawl it’s way up his esophagus, her face sickly at the memory. “You said someone tore it outta you…” 

“I did, didn’t I?” Steven tried to avoid the question, giving Amethyst a dry smile when she gave him an exasperated look. His hands automatically went to his stomach, where his gem was placed, halfway hidden under the jeans. He froze before his hands were actually touching the gem, locking eyes with Amethyst as he swallowed thickly. “I don’t want to burden you—”

“Shut up and tell me what happened,” He was taken aback by the anger behind her tone, but then he realized it wasn’t directed towards him. She took a breath, closing her eyes to steady herself. “This is huge, Steven, you can’t just leave me in the dark about it...someone  _ hurt _ you…” 

“A lot of people have hurt me,” He shot back, then immediately bit his tongue, the depressing humor having the wrong effect. 

“What?” He shook his head, feeling his cheeks get hot from his own verbal trap. 

“I mean, not in like a  _ bad _ way, but like…” He shrugged, wrapping his arms around his middle. “I did mention that my bones are a little screwed up,” 

“Yeah...about your x-rays?” 

He nodded. “Apparently…” He took a breath, remembering the calm composure Dr. Maheswaran had when she explained everything to him. “Apparently over the years I’ve suffered a lot of physical injuries. Like being thrown around in gem missions, getting hit in the face by rocks and whatnot, even stupid little things like falling off the the sand dune,” He tilted his head behind them at the very cliff, a familiar outing with Lion coming to mind. “Because of my gem, all of these potentially serious injuries were almost immediately healed...but that also means that where these fractures and breaks would have been—there’s a lot of the damage still noticeable, because it was healed so quickly...and  _ magically _ , y’know?”

Amethyst looked confused for a moment, but then his words slowly seemed to sink in. “So that’s what you meant—without your gem to keep all of these broken bones together, you were basically...broken?” 

“Broken and dying,” He muttered, then mentally cursed himself when he realized Amethyst had  _ definitely _ heard him. 

“You were dying?” Her voice cracked, and Steven winced. 

“Uh...no?” 

“You were definitely dying!” She insisted, moving to shove his shoulder but then hesitating, gently placing her hand on his arm. “How did this happen? Weren’t we...I don’t know, weren’t we there to help? Was this some sort of gem mission? I...how come we couldn’t protect you from...that?” 

Flashes of the three gems under White’s control pushed on the back of his eyes, and he looked down at Amethysts hand on his shoulder, tentatively placing his own over her knuckles. 

“Sometimes...sometimes there have been situations where we’re all in danger...and sometimes in those situations I would end up alone,” He watched her look away, her expression pinched and angry. Something stirred in his stomach, then settled. His therapist did tell him that opening up and explaining his traumas to his family might help him in recovering from the worst of it all. 

  
_ Might as well started somewhere _ .

“You know how I’ve basically altered the timeline by being here?” She nodded, her eyebrows furrowing as she tried to piece together where he was going with this. “Well...I think I need to tell you something that might...change a few more things,”

She looked back at him, her lips pressed together at the severity of the situation. “What is it?” 

“Uh, well...” He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to string together his thoughts in a coherent manner. “I know what you guys did. When I was a kid, you wanted to build my confidence back up. Y’know, with that test thing? I know you rigged it,” 

She let out a surprised sort of laugh, her eyes going wide as she realized what he’d said. “What?”

“Yeah I know, that was a stupid memory to pick, huh?” She moved to reassure him that it wasn’t  _ stupid _ , but he gave her a look and she held back. “When I learned about the whole Sea Spire test thing, I begged you to give me another, harder exam to prove myself to you guys. Because I failed the first time. None of that ‘75%’ bologna, I forgot the goddess statue and the entire thing fell apart. You guys...I heard you,” 

“Heard us? How?” He saw the flicker of self consciousness cross her expression, and he slowly slid her hand from his shoulder. 

“I was on the last part of it, the one Garnet made, when the spikes came down unexpectedly and almost...well, I thought they were going to crush me, but then it stopped,” He saw the gears working in her head, the dread building up behind her eyes. “I investigated, figured out that the  _ entire thing _ was like that. Made with magical safety locks so it would be impossible for me to fail or get hurt. I stormed my way back to the beginning and all the way to the top of the simulation. And...that was when you were wondering why I was taking so long and…”

“And that’s when I said we were bad at this,” Her hands came to the sides of her head, her eyes wide as she stared him down with horror. “That’s when Garnet admitted that we couldn’t know what to do with you, because there had never been anyone like you,” 

“Yeah,” Steven said, quietly, letting Amethyst process everything that was said. “I guess it could make me feel special, but a lot of times me being one of a kind is just lonely. I feel like my entire life I was trying so hard to be a gem, and once I got there I realized I never got the whole human thing down, either. Connie and my dad used to do this thing,” He laughed, the sound startling both of them. “Where they’d go ‘human beings’ and then they’d high five or something. It...it really messes you up, y’know?” He began to laugh again, gripping his hair with a hand. 

“Dude,” Amethyst reached out, then hesitated. “Dude, that’s really sad, I don’t get why you’re laughing,” 

She placed a hand on his arm, prompting him to let go of his head, quickly wiping away the tears welling up in his eyes. 

“Oh,” She said, keeping her hand steady as he collected himself. 

“I never blamed you guys. Not for that, I mean. I’ve definitely blamed you for a lot of things, but never for trying. Never for trying so hard to make me feel good about myself,” 

“At the end of it, you were acting really weird. Younger you, I mean. We all thought something had happened, but then you looked up and you were smiling. I guess...something did happen, but you were too good of an actor to let us know, huh?” 

“I am an amazing actor, aren’t I?” He cracked a smile and she pushed him gently, a smile of her own slowly spreading across her face. “I was so mad, the entire walk back it took everything I had not to yell at all of you. To start crying or to just punch something...but then I saw you guys. Clapping for me, congratulating me...and I just didn’t have it in me,” 

They stayed like that, in comfortable silence, letting everything sink in. Steven shifted, taking in a deep breath.

“I need you to do something for me. The whole reason I brought this up is because I have to ask a favor,” 

“Of course, whats up?” 

“I need you to help me,” Amethyst quirked a brow at him, but he just shook his head at her in amusement. “Not  _ me _ ,  _ younger _ me. I know from experience that bottling up all these things inside can be dangerous. It hurt me a lot, when I figured out that pushing all of my problems away didn’t make them disappear. They just fester and grow until finally you...burst. I had to learn the hard way what trying to be there for everyone but yourself can do to you,”

He sighed, rubbing at one of his scars idly. “You guys tried your best, but none of you are perfect either. I put a lot of the responsibility of fixing your problems onto myself, and that’s where I need your help. You have to reach out to me. Little me is going to try his best to push aside his own feelings in order to prioritize yours, and I need you to catch him red-handed. I’m not expecting you to fix all of his problems either, but I grew up with so much pressure on myself...and I don’t want him to go through that, y’know?” 

“Steven…” She patted his arm once before taking it away completely. “I’ll try...I don’t really understand a lot of this, but I want to be better. For you. And...I’m sorry for however I hurt you because I didn’t want to look deeper,” 

“Hey, it’s not all your fault,” He added, elbowing her good-naturedly. “I’m a great actor, remember?” They both laughed, and Steven began to pull himself up, his feet making a soft noise against the roof. 

Amethyst let out one last chuckle, looking up at him. “Where are you going all of a sudden?” 

He grinned down at her, offering a hand to help her stand, which she accepted without hesitation. “I need to apologize to Pearl, too. And I need a shirt,” 

“Aw, but I was getting so used to your tummy!” Amethyst poked his belly, startling another round of laughter out of him. 

“Hey!” He protested between giggles, hopping down to the sand with ease. “My tummy is asking for some privacy, thank you very much!” 

“Pff, whatever you say dude,” Steven rolled his eyes at her, stepping around the open doors of the van to run directly into his dad. 

“Woah!” He involuntarily yelped, sidestepping his father before they could collide. He noticed the guilty look on his father's face before he noticed the shirt in his hands. “What’s wrong? If you couldn’t find a blue one that’s perfectly okay—” He trailed off, eyeing the folded shirt clutched in his dad’s grip. 

A lump formed in his throat when he saw something else laying on top of it. “Did you...snoop through my phone?” 

“No!” His dad was quick to defend himself, but Steven couldn’t hear the sincerity in his voice over the static in his ears.

He’d completely forgotten that the stupid device was even in his pocket. He’d had no use for it since he’d gotten to the past, so when he’d changed into new pants, it didn’t cross his mind to empty the pockets first. That meant that someone probably took out his wallet and phone...and that certain someone must’ve been too curious for their own good.

“She didn’t mean to, it’s just you had a message from a few days ago still on the screen, and she thought she was helping—” 

_ She _ . Pearl would’ve been the one to do his laundry, she’d always done it when he lived at the temple.

“Dad,” Steven’s voice was eerily calm, and it made Greg freeze in his explanation. “Did Pearl go through my photos?” 

It was a simple question, but Steven knew how much trouble he could be in if she’d scrolled far enough back. He has pictures with the  _ Diamonds  _ on there—with all of the  _ no longer corrupted gems _ . Though he’d let it slip that he knew about Pink Diamond, Steven was nowhere close to revealing his new title as the Savior of the Universe. 

Greg remained silent, a bead of sweat dripping down his neck as Steven’s state never faltered from his own. Steven felt a curse on the tip of his tongue, but he fought against it, closing his eyes tightly. 

“Dad, what did Pearl see?” 

Steven barely registered as Amethyst came up behind him, peering around both him and his father at the two figures approaching them.

Pearl looked more apprehensive than anything, but Garnet looked ready for a fight. Amethyst reached for Steven’s shoulder, ignoring the way he jumped when she made contact. 

“She…” Greg began, swallowing dryly. “She saw you. On  _ Homeworld _ ,” 


End file.
